How do gay men learn to bottom? Without easy access to gay role models or sex education specifically geared toward them, a lot of gay men never learn good skills for bottoming. Even those who feel they know how to bottom may never come to enjoy it, given the stigma surrounding gay sex. It should come as no surprise, then, that many of my clients have described anxiety when it comes to bottoming. Some worry that they will have a physically painful experience, while others have shut themselves off to bottoming again after a negative first experience.
If one does not bottom often, it can be a stressful and uncomfortable experience, but it doesn’t have to be. Some easy tips and ideas can help prepare your body and mind for one of the most empowering, enjoyable, and exciting experiences of being a gay man. Of course another benefit is getting to share deeply intimate moments with someone you care about.
Breathe
One of the most crucial parts of bottoming is being present in the moment. Breathing allows you to be in the moment and slows you down. Deepening your breath signals to your nervous system that you are safe and thus allows your muscles to relax. In contrast, when you are scared or feel shame your muscles clench and tighten up. Since your sphincter is a muscle, it can clench as well. Breathing signals your sphincter to relax, which enables you to be more receptive.
Communication
It’s important to let your partner know what you are experiencing, not only physically, but also emotionally. What might you say to your partner if you’re feeling scared or tense? Can you ask him to slow down? Can you ask him to look you in your eyes or to change positions? Can you ask him to kiss you while he is penetrating you? Communicating with him can bring you back to the moment.
While this might sound easy, communicating with your partner can be difficult. Think about some of the reasons you might be uncomfortable sharing your feelings with your partner. Shame and stigma around bottoming? Concerns about masculinity? Fear of it being messy? Concern that it is not happening like the porn you just watched? There are many valid reasons for feeling emotional discomfort while having gay sex.
Read more: 4 Things to Improve Sex Communication
Compassion
Considering this, it is important to be compassionate toward yourself. Remember that we internalize the stigma and discrimination against gay men that is rampant in our society. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that we are not doing anything wrong. We also have to acknowledge that sex is sometimes messy and even dirty, and that porn is scripted and is not an accurate representation of what really happens when men have sex.
Read more: 4 Steps to Combat Shame
Sexual imagery
Learn to relax by allowing your mind to run free. Visualize whatever turns you on about your partner, or think about other things that turn you on. How about that porn you just watched? Now is the time to let your mind wander in service of your arousal!
Bottoming for the beginner can feel like a strange and unfamiliar experience, but it doesn’t have to be stressful or painful. Following these easy tips and ideas can help you prepare your body and mind for one of the most enjoyable and exciting sexual experiences a gay man can have. Bottoming can and should be a pain-free experience, paving the way to sexual ecstasy, mind-blowing orgasms, and the opportunity to truly connect with your partner on a deep level.
Check out our LGBTQ services and connect with one of our therapists!
What tips do you have for someone who is new to bottoming? Join the conversation in the comments below!
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8 comments
Thank you for sharing this post, Peter! As you mention, it is so rare to get any useful education about how to have safe and enjoyable sex as a gay man and so many of us have to figure it out through trial and error. I love how you break it down, and especially that you emphasize communication and slowing it down. This is important information and I appreciate you writing about it!
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Thank you for writing this post, Peter. It’s so important to recognize that there is virtually no way for gay males to learn and safety explore sexual experiences while growing up. I appreciate how you point out that communication with our partners and compassion for ourselves can allow us to get past the shame. And, creating space to enjoy our sexual experience as a bottom.
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I want to start bottoming and I would prefer doing it with a white man.
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The first time was when i was 1t…i caught my wrestling coaches fucking in the locker room…in excjange for my silence i made them both fuck me…it was great…they set me up with a pimp and i started turning tricks…made thousands and went to brasil…hung out in ts bars for a month…wanted tits and got them at 16…learned how to take huge cocks and still love them…14 1nches is my record…