A woman stood up as the mediation ended and tearfully exclaimed, “Why does conflict have to be so damn painful?” Her comment came at the close of a two-hour discussion. During this time, she’d expressed how her boss’s actions made her feel unheard, unsafe, and relationally cut off from colleagues. Her pain felt tangible. Now, she stood desperately searching for stability once again.
I related to her sense of helplessness and desire for change. Feeling destabilized by interpersonal conflict is a human experience. Wanting to rediscover equilibrium is natural.
Fortunately, we can find stability amid disruptive and painful differences with others. Social science and conflict resolution studies reveal profound opportunities to regain a sense of power amid conflict. As an experienced divorce and family mediator, I support this growth and repeatedly see clients take personal strides toward empowerment. By identifying when we’re in a destructive dispute, we can implement two simple steps toward empowerment: notice the cave person and buy yourself time. Though challenging to implement, these actions can become second nature with practice.
Why is conflict so destabilizing?
First, to seize opportunities for empowerment, we must understand why conflict destabilizes us. In other words, why is conflict often “so damn painful,” and what can we do about it? Studies reveal two key reasons disputes upset us: powerlessness and alienation (McKorcle and Mills, 1992; Bush and Folger, 2005).
Disempowered by disputes
First, we often feel powerless amid disputes. We lose touch with ourselves and how we want to relate to others. There is a desire to be strong but we feel weak. Also, we need clarity about why we feel so unsettled, but our thoughts are jumbled. We once experienced a profound connection but have become more distant than ever amid our dispute.
For example, a conflict could erupt when a parent doesn’t recognize their adult child’s core identity, and the child’s attempts to help their parents understand feel fruitless. The child sees themself as a survivor who endured a dysfunctional household, while the parents only see ingratitude. As a result, the child experiences a crisis of powerlessness to receive the recognition they desire. A divide grows between them. Our disputes tend to make us feel weak.
Alienated from ourselves and others
Second, conflict often alienates us from ourselves and others. This disrupts our sense of social stability (Bush & Folger, 2005). We are relational creatures with an innate and evolutionary need for connection. Relationships helped us survive as cave people and still support us today. Studies reveal that those with strong social ties live 50% longer and report higher self-esteem on average. Researchers even found social alienation to be worse for your health than smoking, obesity, and high blood pressure. Believe it or not, if you have to choose between having no friends and smoking, consider smoking.
Yet, in conflict, distance often feels like an inevitable outcome. Even if we desire to remain close to someone we strongly disagree with, our friends or family may not feel the same. Alternatively, our disagreement may strike such a core value or identity that we cannot view or be close to one another in the same way again. In response, we often say things we regret and feel disconnected from whom we want to be. Similarly, we see the nasty sides of others in ways we can’t unsee. Our feelings of powerlessness and disconnection from ourselves and others often beget deeper powerlessness and further disconnection. In this way, conflict can present a perfect storm. Although our differences may initiate tension, our resulting experience of ourselves and others in disputes threatens to sink us.
Read more about conflict resolution here.
There is good news!
Ready for the good news? Feeling unsettled by a dispute is a natural reaction. There is nothing wrong with us when interpersonal conflicts feel more like gut-churning seas than hard conversations. We can find empowerment and stability amid disruptive disputes. However, before we can take steps toward positive change, we must recognize we’re in crisis. The first action toward navigating out of a storm is realizing you’re in one and understanding how to get out.
Two steps toward empowerment
Notice your inner cave person
The first step toward seizing opportunities for empowerment is calming the cave person and reclaiming your true self. Have you ever argued with someone else (e.g., a misinformed relative over the holidays), and within a few seconds of the conversation starting, you already feel your blood boiling, your heartbeat racing, and your critical thinking skills flying out the window? In this place, thinking clearly and deciding if the conversation is worth your time is challenging.
Believe it or not, a scientific term perfectly describes this experience. Daniel Goleman, who introduced the idea of emotional intelligence, calls this an Amygdala Hijacking. The amygdala is the emotional processing part of our brain. It can hijack our thinking brain when it perceives a threat. When this happens, we enter into a fight or flight response within milliseconds. Goleman acknowledges that this reaction helped humans survive back when the core question of man was, “Do I eat it, or does it eat me?” However, this same survival mode kicks in when our boss gives us hard feedback at work. In a moment when we need to think clearly, we respond as if a saber-toothed tiger is in hot pursuit.
We feel empowered when we speak and think from a place of inner clarity. During challenging conversations with others, our fight or flight response threatens to disrupt that. We must learn to calm the caveperson and reconnect with ourselves to live our truth in these difficult moments. Even if we’re 100% in the right, if we respond in fight or flight mode, we will say things we regret or miss an opportunity to speak our minds powerfully.
The first step is noticing our caveperson to return to our true selves. This step may sound overly simplistic, but when our amygdala hijacks our brain, we struggle to see ourselves. The following signs indicate that the fight or flight response is taking over:
- Increased heart rate
- Chest tightening
- Sweaty palms
- Head pounding
- Decreased clarity
- Clenched hands
When we notice these signs, we can help ourselves re-regulate by taking a deep breath and buying time to regain control. Although letting loose is tempting in the heat of conflict, it ultimately disempowers us. Yes, yelling at someone we sense wronged us can feel therapeutic. However, if we scream in fight or flight mode without the ability to search our thoughts and emotions, we risk losing an opportunity to speak our whole truth. Alternatively, we may say things we don’t believe and cause hurt where we didn’t intend to. We all communicate at different volumes and in different ways. By calming the caveperson, we determine whether we want to engage the other person and ensure our words come from a place of clarity.
Unfortunately, studies show that regaining control of our brains and body takes at least six seconds (personally, it takes me a few minutes). This challenge brings us to the next point. How can we buy ourselves some time?
Buy yourself time
The second step toward empowerment is to give yourself the gift of choice in conflict. As aforementioned, fight or flight mode steals our ability to make informed choices about what we think, feel, and want. Do we even want to engage with this person? What is upsetting us the most about their actions or views? How do we want to communicate that? If we care that they understand us, what argument would they most likely understand? These questions and more take time and a clear mind to decipher.
There are many ways to buy yourself time during a dispute. The most important thing is to pick a method and stick with it. A professor of mine from grad school always said, “Reallllyyyyy?” to invite the other person to keep speaking and buy himself more time before responding. Another friend always asks, “Could you tell me more?” at the onset of each conflict.
I generally begin by reflecting the other person’s first statement to them, which usually leads to their expounding on their thoughts. For example, in response to their initial statement, I’ll say, “I want to make sure I really hear you. You’re saying ____(fill in the blank)____.” These practices buy time to regain control and determine how, and if, we want to respond. More often than not, you realize that the conflict isn’t worth your time. However, if you decide to engage, you give yourself a chance to speak from a place of clarity instead of reflex.
Read more about communicating about conflict here.
Concluding thoughts
By noticing our caveperson and buying ourselves time, we can regain our sense of control or power in conflict. Though simple, these two steps are challenging to implement in heated or emotionally fraught moments. Practice mindfulness of your breathing, heartbeat, and palms in your daily interactions. Ask a question before responding when simply talking about the weather. By practicing these steps when it’s easy, we can reclaim strength when it’s hard.
About the author – Andrew Haas is the founder and principal mediator of Haas Mediation & Training helping people to transform disruptive differences into opportunities for clarity and direction. Haas Mediation and Training provides client-centered in-person and online divorce and family mediation services. You can visit www.haasmediation.com to learn more.
Are you interested in exploring your reactions to conflict and ways to improve its resolution? Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists would be a good fit for you!
What signs do you look out for to notice your body is in fight or flight mode? Join the conversation in the comments below!
- Why Is Conflict So Destabilizing? - September 28, 2023
