When times are tough, it can be hard to treat ourselves with the generosity and kindness of a best friend. Instead, we can find ourselves flooded with negative thoughts and feelings that won’t go away. Similar to the idea of self-love, treating yourself as a friend is an active form of mental and emotional resistance to when we feel drowned and immobilized by our own negativity. Keep reading to learn some tips on how to be your own best friend.
The idea of treating yourself like a friend is an extension of Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion. According to Dr. Neff, self-compassion is extending the compassion, kindness, and understanding you have for others who are suffering to yourself.
Unfortunately, many of us are more comfortable treating ourselves with the opposite of generosity and kindness. Instead, we draw from deep wells of criticism, judgment, and anger when we make mistakes in our personal and professional lives. However, exercises that explore ways to treat yourself like a friend, as inspired by these self-compassion exercises by Dr. Neff, show that we don’t always have to react to our own distress with harsh negativity.
Read more: Practice Self-Love: 5 Ways!
Imagine a friend’s response to your distress
When you feel overwhelmed by self-hatred, imagine how your best friend would respond to your distress. You can also imagine the feedback from someone, who you know loves and cares for you. What would they think and say to you? What have they said to you in past in hard times? Reflect on something specific that you have or might say, and repeat it mentally or out loud. For example, “You’re being too hard on yourself” or “It won’t feel like this forever.”
Think of how you’d respond a friend in distress
Now, imagine that you switch places with your chosen friend or a loved one. What if they were the one struggling with negativity and self-criticism? What would you say, or have you said to them? Imagine specific phrases to repeat internally or say out loud. What would you want them to know? How would you want them to feel? Reflect on what it’s like to extend your compassion to them. Is it easy or hard? Does it feel natural or not?
Reflect on the difference
What difference did you notice in your response to yourself in a moment of suffering, versus how you imagine a good friend or loved one might respond to you? Be curious. What would it be like to respond to yourself in the same way you respond to a friend’s suffering. What would you say to yourself? Try repeating phrases like these to yourself: “Everybody feels this way sometimes” and “I do not have to be perfect.” What is it like to extend self-compassion to yourself from the stance of a friend, and not a critic?
Tips and tricks to maintain the friend vs. critic stance with yourself
- Write down things you’d say to a friend in distress for you to read, reflect on and say to yourself when difficult emotions and thoughts arise.
- Think of an affirmation or mantra to repeat to yourself when you feel tempted by self-criticism. Dr. Neff’s website is full of guided meditations that are great examples.
- Using your phone, record yourself talking to yourself as a friend. Listen back to the recording as needed for a self-compassion boost.
Using the approach to be your own best friend is more sustainable. While negativity has the allure of motivation and not being too “easy” on yourself, it breaks you down as opposed to building you up. Treating yourself as a friend, whom you love unconditionally and don’t expect to be perfect, can make a significant difference in recovering from difficult moments and tolerating future ones with more grace and understanding.
What do you like about the idea of treating yourself like a friend? What would be hard about maintaining the practice to be your own best friend?
- The Everyday Benefits of Mindfulness - July 6, 2018
- Be Your Own Best Friend: 3 Tips - April 27, 2018
- 3 Ingredients for an Effective Psychotherapy Experience - January 12, 2018
6 comments
LOVE the blog! It’s really important to feel good and comfortable with yourself and to treat yourself right.
Hi Martha,
These are great tips. Even giving PERMISSION to by kind to ourselves and treat ourselves with the respect we’d show a friend can be hard to remember. I like to tip of recording yourself then playing it back. Thanks!
Great job Martha! It’s good to know that making yourself a priority and treating yourself like you’d treat your close friends can have a real impact on your life. It can completely change the way you feel about yourself.
Thanks Martha great points! This reminds me to live with a deeper spiritual practice. It really counts when its hardest to do, showing kindness to yourself!!
Great blog, Martha! So many of us are so much harder on ourselves than on others. This is such a powerful reminder of how we might show ourselves the same compassion we show others. I particularly like the idea to imagine how I’d respond to a friend in distress, then apply that to myself.
i am 30 years woman a single parent to my 8 years son,i haven’t achived yet. Sometimes I have fear of achieving my goals afraid of failing.