When you hear the word “polyamory”, what comes to mind? Take a moment and think of the first three words or images that come up for you. Every reader of this blog likely has different associations with polyamory. Did you think: scary, exciting, or messy? Sexy, liberating, or jealous? Did you think of threesomes, date nights, fights, multiple wives? Polyamory is a broad relationship structure that falls under the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy. It is often misunderstood or misrepresented. In this blog, I will explore different ways of navigating a polyamorous relationship, including common relationship structures and how to manage perceptions of friends and family.
What is Polyamory?
Before navigating a polyamorous relationship, let’s start with some of the basics. According to Psychology Today, “polyamory, or consensual non-monogamy, is the practice of having multiple partners in intimate relationships—whether sexual or romantic—with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved.” Polyamory exists on a spectrum of open relationships, where people define their own boundaries and commitments. Just like in a monogamous relationship, people in a poly relationship can take on a wide variety of roles and can make the relationship their own. A few common poly arrangements are the following:
Hierarchical Polyamory
Hierarchical polyamory is one of many relationship structures within polyamorous dating. In this model, different partners are prioritized in a clear hierarchy. For example, you might live with your husband—your primary partner—and see your boyfriend or lover once a week. You might live with your boyfriend, or “primary partner”, and occasionally get on the apps for a date or hook up with someone else. In hierarchical poly relationships, usually one partner is clearly prioritized. Your primary partner may be the person you live with, share holidays with, bring to family events, have a child with, or simply spend the most time and emotional energy with.
Non-Hierarchical Polyamory
In non-hierarchical polyamory, every partner is equally prioritized and there is no ranking system. For example, you might have two boyfriends and a few lovers, all of whom share equal weight in your life. In this arrangement, not all partners are treated the same. The relationships can grow and shift without rules or restrictions from other parties.
Kitchen Table Polyamory
In kitchen table polyamory, all partners take the opportunity to get to know one another. It can be hierarchical or non-hierarchical. For example, a husband and wife may occasionally host the wife’s girlfriend for dinner. Or, two lovers may have a coffee with another lover and their partner. As the name suggests, people involved with kitchen table polyamory, may all sit down to dinner with their partner’s partners. The intention is to share love and enjoy one another’s company.
While the above structures are all different, they are totally valid ways of practicing polyamory, Some people might experiment with different structures at different times in their lives. One of the beautiful things about a poly relationship is that, like any relationship, it can be flexible, negotiable, and secure. It can be designed to meet the needs of the individual people involved. Take a moment to think of what each arrangement brings up for you. Which arrangement, if any, feels attractive to you? Or unattractive? For many people, jealousy comes to mind.
Navigating Bias
There are many resources to support you in opening up a relationship, such as this great article. But once you’re open, you may need help with the realities of being poly in a monogamy-oriented society. Part of the reason I use the term polyamory in this blog, rather than terms like “ethical non-monogamy” or “consensual non-monogamy,” is that these terms can make some people think that having more than one partner or being in an open relationship is somehow inherently unethical or non-consensual. Think of a monogamous relationship you are familiar with- your own, one in your family, one you’ve seen on television or in film. While many of these relationships may be strong, inspiring, or life-giving, you can probably think of at least a few ethical issues or violations of consent in these relationships. Monogamous relationships, like poly ones, can involve lying, cheating, coercion, violence, and disconnectedness; all of the things we may fear when entering into a relationship with someone. Ethical non-monogamy is just as valid as monogamy, yet monogamy-centered language often reinforces the idea that non-monogamous relationships are inherently unethical. Like monogamous relationships, polyamorous relationship structures can vary widely in commitment, honesty, and security.
Representation in Media
While polyamory is increasingly a part of mainstream conversations and is gaining more representation in media, that representation can still be un-affirming. The newest season of Couples Therapy—an emotionally impactful reality show that shows psychoanalyst Orna Guralnik’s real-life work with couples—features the show’s first “polycule.” Polycule is a term used to describe a couple with more than two members. It took the otherwise progressive show until Season 4 to delve into a polycule relationship. When Orna presents the case of the open relationship to her colleagues for advice, one of them responds, “Has anyone ever seen this work?” The question is, frankly, baffling for a group of mental health professionals whose jobs expose them to the countless ways in which monogamy can, and does, fail. Rather than ask “Does it ever work?” about polyamory, we might ask the same questions we ask about monogamous couples, “How can we support each member in meeting their needs?,” How can we help these people relate to one another more authentically and effectively?,” or “How can we increase trust and intimacy?”
Family and Friends
Family and friends of people in open relationships or those with multiple partners may have curious, negative, or downright judgmental responses. Much of mainstream culture now, thankfully, frowns on some of the responses once commonly used against gay and lesbian loved ones: “It’s a phase,” “You’ll never be happy,” “This doesn’t work,” “You can’t bring your partner to family functions,” etc. In many circles that have grown to accept homosexuality, these negative beliefs may still exist about polyamory. Here are some key things to consider when navigating polyamory within your community:
You don’t need to come out to everyone
As with any other queer orientation, you get to decide how and if to come out. Some family members or friends may be ready to support you, others may not. Think about who in your life you want to share this information with. If it’s important to you that your best friend meet all of your partners or be aware that your primary relationship is open, it may be worth it to share. If you don’t plan to bring all your partners to the family Thanksgiving table, maybe your grandpa doesn’t need to know. Think about the impact that coming out may have on your relationship with loved ones, and if you feel safe to do so.
Allow people to be curious
Many people don’t know a lot about polyamory and that’s okay. It’s not their fault, given our culture is highly oriented toward monogamous relationships. People may ask a lot of questions- let them! You only need to answer those that you want to answer. Try to assume that the questions come from a place of curiosity (maybe even jealousy!), not one of hate or judgment. If a conversation becomes too uncomfortable, you can calmly end it.
Keep open communication about coming out with partners
You may want to shout from the rooftops about your open relationship, but your partner may not. That’s okay. Before and during the coming out process, maintain open communication with your partner about who you are telling. Try to come to agreement as to how you are telling other people about your relationship status. You don’t have to have the same preferences, but you should keep one another in the loop. This might require some compromise.
The Good News
The good news is that polyamorous dating and non-traditional relationship structures are becoming a larger part of the cultural conversation. Some municipalities have even expanded civil rights, once reserved for couples, to polyamorous people. Check out this 2023 New York Times article about cities that have granted domestic partnerships to polycules. There are so many ways to be poly, and growing cultural acceptance can make it more fun and easy to talk about.
Curious about exploring ethical non-monogamy, polyamorous dating, or open relationships? Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists would be a good fit for you!
Do you have experience with polyamorous relationships? Join the conversation in the comments below!
Specializes in LGBTQ+, Relationship issues, Polyamory/Non-traditional relationship structures, Trauma, Men’s Issues, Religious/Spiritual Issues, Veterans.
- Thriving in Polyamorous Relationships: What You Really Need to Know - February 15, 2025
