What is Anticipatory Grief?

When we think of grief, we often conjure an image of someone feeling deep sadness after a loved one has died. We picture the funeral, the wake, sitting shiva, spreading ashes, observing important anniversaries, and so on. But for many people, grieving begins long before the death of a loved one. This process, called anticipatory grief, often coincides with terminal illness and aging, but can occur in any situation where a potential loss is present. So what is anticipatory grief? This blog will explore three main issues related to anticipatory grief. First, we will examine at what it looks like. Then, we will discuss how it can be beneficial. Finally, I will offer some tips for how to make the most of it when it arises.

Prelude to loss: signs and symptoms of anticipatory grief 

On the surface, anticipatory grief looks very similar to any other form of grief. You may have a physical symptoms, such as exhaustion, tearfulness, or physical illness. You may experience emotions, such as anger, sadness, or relief. Overall, it will likely be difficult to go about your daily life. There are also a few issues specific to anticipatory grief that you may experience depending on your situation.

First, caregivers face a unique challenge. In this situation, grief is often coupled with the exhaustion of addressing the health concerns of a loved one. On top of the usual sadness and loneliness that often accompany grief, there is a worry about the well-being of the loved one. There is also often stress from the responsibilities of meeting their needs. Grieving the loss of the loved one’s ability to function (physically or cognitively), their independence, or their safety can be uniquely painful. You may also grieve the loss of your own independence and sense of identity. Caregiving brings both the task of accepting a loved one’s death, while witnessing the gradual fading of life.

Also unique to anticipatory grief is a heightened anxiety and alertness. Like an animal keeping watch for a predator, the expectation of a loved one’s death may result in hypervigilance. You may feel fixated on the safety of your loved one or yourself. As a result, you may be more likely to panic before a doctor’s appointment with your loved one. Or you may find yourself watching closely for signs of improvement or deterioration.

Especially for prolonged illness, anticipatory grief may also include feelings of relief and guilt when the death eventually occurs. All of these feelings are a normal part of the grieving process. Nevertheless, they can still be uncomfortable and even disturbing to experience.

Read more about the grieving process

Predicting a loss: the purpose of anticipatory grief

Anticipatory grief can be quite uncomfortable. Considering this, it is easy to wonder how it can be useful to those experiencing loss. One advantage of the anticipatory grieving period is the opportunity to adjust to the impending loss and find closure. During this time, the dying and their caregivers can make plans for end-of-life decisions. You may also have the opportunity to deepen your relationship with your loved one. Sharing stories, seeking forgiveness and reconciliation for hurtful interactions, and finding ways to say goodbye can be incredibly meaningful. For example, a former client of mine once shared with me about a longstanding tradition in their family. Loved ones would gather shortly before a family death to exchange gifts associated with the dying family member. This gift exchange allowed for the sharing of stories that deepened connections to the dying family member and among the surviving family.

Some research suggests that anticipatory grief can help us more easily manage grief following the loss. In a way, it is like rehearsing for a play. You are able to have exposure to a wide range of feelings and experiences that follow death, while still being able to connect with your loved one. Though the feelings after the death occurs may still be overwhelming, they may be more familiar since it is not the first time they’ve arisen.

Preparing for loss: making the most of anticipatory grief

With anticipatory grief, the usual recommendations for managing grief apply. This includes self-care and making room for the grief to be expressed. Additionally, there are a few things you can do if you’re grieving the future loss of a loved one to make the transition easier on yourself and your loved one.

Learn more about your loved one’s situation

Whether the impending death is the result of illness, injury, addiction, or something else, the anticipatory period is a time to educate yourself about what to expect. Learning about what may be in store for you and your loved one can help both of you to better manage the challenges that arise in end-of-life care.

Use grief to motivate preparation

All emotions, including those associated with grief, are your body’s suggestion to act. With anticipatory grief, your body is telling you to prepare for the loss through connecting with loved ones and making plans. Take this time to address unresolved issues between you and your loved one and, if they’re well enough, to make plans for end-of-life wishes.

Enjoy your time with your loved one

End-of-life preparation doesn’t just involve making amends and planning for the worst. It can also be a wonderful time for you to spend time with your loved one. One client of mine watched old movies with her mother while spending time together in the hospital. This allowed for lots of laughter and storytelling, and this remains one of her favorite memories of being a caregiver.

Seek support in balancing your own life

Even though caregiving is a stressful endeavor, it doesn’t mean you have to put everything on pause. Reach out to family and friends for aid in managing the logistics of caregiving. Allowing yourself to take breaks will make the grieving process more manageable. It will also leave you with more energy to care for your loved one in the long run.

Talk to someone

It can be helpful to talk to someone who understands. Thankfully, there are many support groups and professional resources for caregivers. Finding space to share your grief with someone who understands can be incredibly relieving during a period full of demands and disappointments.

As you navigate the impending loss of your loved one, you may experience a variety of emotions, all of which are normal and can help you grow. This period of adjustment allows for an opportunity to connect with your loved one as you make end-of-life preparations, and help is available in processing the uncertainty and emotional turmoil that accompanies this time of your life.

Are you preparing for the loss of a loved one? If so, therapy can help you to process this experience and make the most of the time you have left. Reach out to myTherapyNYC to schedule a free phone consultation today.

How have you dealt with anticipatory grief? Join the conversation in the comments below!