We enter into relationships to feel connected to and accepted by others, and to belong. That is the intention for most people and the “ideal” situation. In the reality of the day-to-day grind of our lives, however, we are often interrupted (and interrupt ourselves) in staying connected to our loved ones. A lot can get in the way: stress, physical and emotional exhaustion, fears of getting hurt – the latter is a significant obstacle for those who have been hurt in relationships in the past. Here I plan to discuss three common ways people create disconnection in relationships: projection, holding back, and deflection.
Read more: Am I Emotionally Connected to My Partner
It is useful to think of these three ways of engaging in a relationship as adaptive. First, we all do it. We all project our feelings, behaviors, and attitudes onto others, and that creates a base for empathy. A capacity to hold back supports impulse control, which we all need to function in
We learn to deflect when we need to reduce the intensity of an experience that feels overwhelming. Learning to hold back comes from a need to fit in and to be accepted. Thirdly, these ways of engaging relationally are NOT something to overcome. Rather, in any given situation, it is important to learn to notice when you are using these relational adjustments, get curious as to how they are serving
Here is what projection, holding back, and deflection look like:
Projection
Guessing another person’s motives and what they might feel and/or think. Creating a story about another person’s experience without checking it out with them. Anticipating possible future scenarios. Making assumptions. Filling in the gaps without asking questions. Using “You”-language instead of making “I”-statements.
Holding back
Holding in the impulse to express one’s needs, feelings, thoughts, or opinions. This experience is often accompanied by physical reactions (e.g., racing heart, difficulty breathing, tension in the jaw, chest, shoulder and/or neck, experience of “throat closing”). It is saying “no” to one’s genuine expression in order to say “yes” to something (or someone) else.
Deflection
Dismissing one’s own or another person’s experience by making jokes, brushing things off as unimportant, being evasive rather than direct, and/or intellectualizing. In deflecting, we change topics and shift the focus of attention. Cell phone checking is definitely a means
There are times when projection, deflection, and holding back can be useful, if used with awareness. They can also lead to feeling disconnected and detached from people in our lives, if used habitually and without awareness. Remember, being aware gives a choice.
What is your go-to way of disconnecting?
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4 comments
This is a great blog post, Elena! Human connection is so important and yet is so easy to disconnect without even realizing we are doing it. The example of checking your phone as a form of deflection jumped out at me, because of how common a behavior it is. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for writing on this topic Elena! I love how you break down disconnection into these three categories, as it makes it easier to examine one’s own behavior and identify even the small things we do out of habit that keep us from really connecting. I know from my own experiences how someone checking their phone during a serious conversation can have quite an impact. Thanks again!
Great blog, Elena! Thanks for writing this, I really connected with the deflection part more specifically the idea of obsessive thinking. This is one of the most challenging things to correct, as many people often attempt to solve problems or control situations with obsessive thinking. I must admit I have slipped down the rabbit hole of obsessive thinking as well. This is super helpful, thanks!
Great blog, Elena! I appreciate how you break down some different ways we disconnect. Checking our phones is such a common way we can disconnect, and this is a helpful reminder it is a form of deflecting.