How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner [Transcript]
In today’s video blog, we’re going to be discussing the four tips in preparing for sex talk with your partner. I want to start by saying that sex is a really big part of a relationship. Research shows that sex feeling healthy and good attributes to 15 to 20% of a person’s overall satisfaction in the relationship. And on the flip side, when couples are feeling dissatisfied in the relationship, it can account for 50 to 70% of their overall dissatisfaction in the relationship. This shows that sex is playing a big part. But knowing how to talk about sex with your partner is not always easy.
It is important to talk about sex
It is important to feel connected and that our needs and desires are being noticed and being fulfilled. When this happens, then we’re going to feel more emotionally connected and better in the relationship. On the flip side, when we’re not getting our needs and desires met, we might feel emotionally disconnected from our partner and not so great in the relationship. And the most effective thing to do when we’re feeling dissatisfied or that our needs aren’t being met by our partner is to communicate our needs and desires and what feels good.
Now I want to check in with you on how it felt for me to say, to communicate your needs and desires. Were there butterflies starting to come up in your stomach? Did your face start to get flushed? Were there questions of what are my needs and desires? Or the thought that, “uh-oh, I’m not doing that, great”? We just want to start by noticing that there are a lot of barriers to sex talk. When you were younger, you might have gotten punished for talking about sex. Whether at school or at home or in different parts of the community it might be considered an off limits topic. Also, there’s a lot of shame surrounded by sex given by messages around our society.
Read more about sex communication
Normalizing having unmet needs
Another factor is that there could be fear about pointing out something bad or wrong in the relationship. Sometimes it could feel like this means the relationship is doomed or that you’re not a good match with your partner. I want to debunk that myth that this is just something that can happen and we want to talk about it, just how you talk about differences in cuisines or music that you prefer. You talk about it and try to meet the other person’s needs. That’s what we’re doing here. So we want to take that and notice that there’s some shame around this topic, and we just want to notice it. And notice what is shame and what is our authentic self. And so this leads us into the first step for preparing for sex talk with your partner.
Step one: noticing with permission
The first step is giving yourself a permission slip. Allow permission to notice the shame voice, and to also notice that you are curious. You do have needs desires and to lean into that curiosity and compassion for yourself. We all want to feel good in a relationship and we all have needs and desires. So start by allowing yourself to notice and turn down the shame voice, while noticing and staying curious about your needs and desires. This leads us into our second step.
Step two: authentic self exploration
And this step is what I like to call “into me I see.” (Get it? Intimacy!) Or you could call it authentic self exploration. Here, we take that permission slip with us so we can stay curious about our needs and desires. So the first step in this is to ask yourself, why are you having sex? Is it because it really relaxes you? Do you feel more emotionally connected with your partner? Does it feel really good and pleasurable? Does it allow you to release some tension or emotions from the day? It could be all of that. Writing down and exploring what makes you feel and makes you want to have sex.
Other questions that you could answer are: What have I tried before that I really enjoyed with past partners? What have I tried with past partners or current partners that I did not enjoy? Just allow yourself to show compassion and gather information from past or present experiences. And really allow yourself the space to think about what made you feel good and satisfied that need and reason for having sex. For example, it could be, “I received a back massage and that was great because I like to have sex because it’s relaxing.”
Step three: evaluate your expectations
Now this leads us into our third step, which is evaluating our expectations. There are a lot of messages that are sent to us about sex. We receive these messages through social media, porn, community leaders, or family and friends. We want to notice once again all the messages we receive and evaluate our expectations about sex. In a lot of porn videos, we see that people who have the perfect bodies or extreme intensity or extreme orgasms. There is no such thing as perfect.
We want to be our own “perfect.” And that changes over time a lot. We may feel or look different tomorrow than we do today. And with that, our bodies are changing. And so our circumstances are changing specifically around sex. What feels good today might not feel good in a week. So continuing to evaluate your expectations, and remember there’s not one way to have sex.
Step four: make a plan with your partner
Now that we stayed curious and evaluated our expectations, the last step is to make a plan with your partner. Now, I want to start by acknowledging that you’ve done all of this work. You’ve been curious and answered some questions for yourself. You want your partner to do the same. You don’t want this conversation to be catch your partner off guard, because you might be in anxiety and shame, and it might not feel good for your partner as well.
So give your partner a heads up. “Hey, I really would like to talk about sex. I was thinking about this. Maybe we can set up the time later today?” The time and the place is extremely important. You want to set a time, so you know how to ground yourself before. And you want to set a time that has no interruptions and no feelings of being rushed. You want to set a place that feels vulnerable and safe. This is so you both can be vulnerable and honest and authentic.
Watch a webinar on navigating differences in sexual desire
Now that we know the four tips on preparing for sex talk, go out, explore, stay curious and talk with your partner about sex!
Are you looking for a safe and supportive place to talk to your partner about sex and intimacy? Couples therapy can help! Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists specialize in couples counseling.
How do you prepare to talk to your partner about sex? Join the conversation in the comments below!
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2 comments
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