Ways to Support A Friend Experiencing Racism

In this blog, I will write about how to support a friend experiencing racism. Experiencing racism can be traumatic and emotionally activating. There are specific things that you can say and do to support a friend who has experienced racism. I will highlight ways to use compassion and validate feelings. I will also address common feelings and responses associated with experiencing racism. There may be feelings and responses that are not listed in this blog, as people can respond in a variety of ways. I will discuss how to avoid minimizing the experiences of your friend, avoid centering yourself, honor their boundaries, and express gratitude.

Common emotions

• Anger
• Pain
• Shame
• Isolation
• Numbness
• Frustration
• Guilt
• Anxiety
• Hypervigilant/fearful
• Disgust
• Sadness
• Hopelessness
• Powerlessness
• Stress
• Confusion
• Victimized
• Attacked
• Threatened
  

Support a friend experiencing racism: validate their emotions

 The goal is to validate the emotions your friend is experiencing. For example, you could say something like, “You feel angry and frustrated. That is totally valid, and I am sorry you experienced that.” That is one way to use compassion and to validate feelings. Validating feelings can help your friend feel seen and heard. It is important to listen actively, which means to listen without thinking about a response. Oftentimes we may hear what someone is sharing, but we are not fully listening to because we are formulating a response in our minds. Actively listening to your friend at this moment can create emotional safety.

Read more about the effects of racism

Avoid minimizing their experience

It is critical that you avoid minimizing your friend’s experience with racism. An example of minimizing their experiences is asking the following questions:

• “Do you really think the person was being racist?”
• “Are you sure that’s what happened?”
• “Are you blowing this out of proportion?”

Minimizing the experiences of others and questioning the severity of their experience can feel re-traumatizing. Keep in mind that your intention might not be to re-traumatize your friend. It is important to acknowledge that intention and impact are not the same. Your intention might be to extend support, but questioning the validity of their experience will have a negative impact. This approach is also a form of gaslighting, and can magnify these distressing emotions.

Keep the focus on your friend

During the conversation, you might have an emotional response. It is essential to take a deep breath as you manage your feelings. It is not helpful to use this time to express how guilty you feel that your friend had this racist experience. Your friend needs emotional support as they process their experience with racism. Avoid centering yourself as much as you can. The objective is to keep the focus on your friend, their experience with racism, and feelings associated with the experience.

Honor boundaries

Boundaries are critical and need to be honored. This means your friend may or may not share the full extent of their emotions with you at this moment. Try your best to not take this personally. They might be consciously or unconsciously setting a boundary with you, and it is imperative that you honor this boundary.

The objective is to honor what they are willing and unwilling to share. If you are not a person of color it can be appropriate to acknowledge your social privilege. What can this look like? You could, for example, say, “I understand that because I am white I cannot relate to your personal experiences with racism. However, know that I would like to provide you with support. How else can I support you emotionally?” This kind of acknowledgement is honest and allows your friend to express other ways you can support them. Your friend might need a hug, a cup of water, or need to take a walk. They also might not need anything from you at this moment, and that is okay.

 Why is it helpful to express gratitude?

Your friend felt emotionally safe sharing their feelings with you and that is valuable. Sometimes people avoid these conversations because they are fearful of the response they will receive. Please acknowledge this and express gratitude. One way to do this is by uttering a few simple words like, “Thank you for sharing this with me.” It takes a level of vulnerability to discuss the experience of racism, and it can take immense courage to discuss it with someone who is not a person of color.

There are several emotions people can have when experiencing racism. People can process and respond to these experiences in many different ways. Validating feelings and experiences, honoring boundaries, and expressing gratitude are concrete things that can be done to navigate this conversation. Ultimately, people deserve to feel as though their experiences and emotions are undoubtedly safe, valued, and respected.

Are you looking for extra support around issues of racism? Working with an inclusive therapist can help. Reach out to myTherapyNYC today to find out more about our therapists!

How have you supported a friend experiencing racism? Or, if you have experienced racism yourself, how would you want to be supported by a friend? Join the conversation in the comments below!