What Are the Six Stages of Grief?

Grief is the mental distress and emotional suffering due to a loss. Often, people only pair the thought of grief with the death of a loved one. The truth is, we grieve for many reasons. The loss of a job, loss of autonomy, recovery from addiction, separation or divorce, lack of social justice, and the loss of independence are a few examples of experiences that can lead to grief.

The grieving process never ends. However, the mental distress and emotional suffering can decrease over time. Grief occurs in stages that are not linear and often misunderstood. These stages can be experienced more than once for the same loss. One might experience a stage of grief for weeks, months or years. While another can experience different stages of grief seconds, minutes, or hours apart.

What are the stages of grief?

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are the well known five stages of grief, introduced by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Building on those five stages, David Kessler introduced the sixth stage of grief, called meaning, in 2019.

This blog offers guidance and support to everyone who has and or will suffer from grief at some point in their lives. Unfortunately, this will occur more than once in a lifetime. Hopefully this blog will help you understand what you are feeling and thinking about your loss and grief. Understanding what you are feeling and thinking is the path to relief of grief. Below are the six stages of grief and some examples of how people understand, experience, and respond to loss and grief.

Denial

The death of a loved one is painful to understand and accept. It is the most horrific news to hear about someone that you love, care for, or respect. It is also painful to hear about the death of someone you don’t know. If you have ever lost a loved one, and understand that type of pain, you would not want a stranger to suffer with those heavy emotions. We deny grief in many ways. One of the ways we deny the grief for someone we don’t know is by being grateful that the person was not one of our loved ones. I know that sounds harsh but many people feel this type of relief.

However, when it is your loved one who has died, we automatically go into defense mode of blocking the grieving process by refusing to accept the loss. With grief being so overwhelming and emotionally exhausting, it makes sense why our human nature pulls us in the direction of denial.  Upon discovery of loss, denial serves as a safety net for emotional suffering. Denial allows us to only let in the emotions we can handle at any point in time. Think of a pressure valve that slowly reduces the intensity of emotions related to loss. Denying the loss delays the grief, as grief can be overwhelming and too heavy to handle.

While denying the loss, people often unconsciously distract themselves in one way or another. One person might have tunnel vision towards their career. Another may use substances to avoid their grief. Another person may become super extroverted and social. In other words, denial can show up as anything that can distract us for a long period of time. If those distractions are not there, we could feel the full wave of the loss and the grief. Consequently, it could mentally and physically be too much to cope with at one moment.

Anger

In the stage of anger, many people find it comforting to express their anger outwards to others as an attempt for them to recognize the loss and the grief associated. An example of loss and grief through the lens of anger is a lack of social justice. We can grieve something we never had and the loss comes with the realization that it is absent from our life. For example, If someone feels like social justice applies to everyone else but them, they become angry. Social inequalities continue to bring a sense of loss and grief to Black people, People of Color, the LGBTQ community, and other oppressed populations.

While denial presents in an unconscious form, anger is consciously driven. Protesters for racial equality and social justice block bridges, tunnels, roads, and walkways as a way of getting people’s attention. The goal is social justice and the objective to this goal is to find disruptive methods to get people’s attention about inequality. The intent is to make others recognize and feel the impact of their loss.

Bargaining

The emotional suffering of loss and grief can be so unbearable that we would do nearly anything to make it go away. This desire to get rid of the unpleasant feelings can lead to bargaining for a change in the current situation. An example of this is when people separate or get divorced. The loss of the relationship causes emotional suffering. In this stage of grieving, one might try to undo the damage in the relationship even though the relationship has ended. This may sound a lot like denial, but it’s not quite the same. Or, perhaps it is for you. Remember, you can move from stage to stage with grief or feel multiple stages at the same time.

In the bargaining stage of grief, we have the hope for a different outcome. Some of the bargaining thoughts are: wishing you had been a better partner, or that your partner had treated you better than they actually did; thinking that you will give them another try and they will be different this time; or thinking that you can actually cope with the dysfunction in the relationship that led to the separation or divorce. In any event, the need for a different outcome is present, because the grief of the loss is too painful.

Depression

For many, depression is the hardest stage of grief. This fourth stage is filled with mental, emotional, and physical suffering. In the depressive stage, we come to terms with the loss and start grieving with the intensity of the greatness of the loss. In this stage, we recognize the severity of the loss and the hopelessness. This leaves us depressed. 

An example of this stage of grief is the loss of independence and autonomy. COVID-19 has impacted the independence and autonomy of millions of people around the world. The pandemic has forced people out of jobs, restricted social interactions, confiscated wellness routines, and killed loved ones. The loss of control, the ability to function independently, the lack of social interaction, and the death of a loved one causes depression.

For some, it is hard to accept that they are depressed, as one might think only mentally ill people become depressed. The truth is, depression is normal and it is a normal reaction to loss. It is the core of grief in that all of the pain and suffering sits in the belly of depression. This stage can feel like it will never end. For some, this stage becomes so painful that they begin to unconsciously visit the other stages of grief in an attempt to feel in control and/or to self-soothe.

Acceptance

The fifth stage of grief is confusing for some. When we hear “acceptance,” it usually brings the impression of being okay with something or unbothered by an experience. With grieving, acceptance is the acknowledgement of the loss. In recovery from alcohol or substance abuse, part of getting sober is accepting that you have no control over the substance you have abused. In nearly all cases of addiction, abstinence from alcohol or substances feels like a loss that brings grief. This applies to many other addictions such as, but not limited to, gambling, shopping, eating, sex, etc. 

When we accept the loss, we can start the healing process. Accepting the loss does not mean you are not feeling the emotional suffering or that you are okay with the loss. Acceptance allows us to realize that the loss has happened and that things have changed due to the loss. Remember, we cycle through the stages of grief. In this cycling process relapse becomes a constant fear.

Meaning

The sixth stage, meaning, is David’s Kessler’s addition to the stages of grief. In his book Finding Meaning, Kessler describes finding the meaning in the loss of a loved one. People can find meaning in many different ways that are unique to that individual’s relationship with their loved one and the grief they are holding. Meaning is important for all that grieve the loss of a loved one. Keep in mind that the stages of grief are not linear. That being said, someone could immediately go to meaning after the loss of a loved one.

Read more about the complexity of grief

For example, someone could find meaning after the loss of a loved one who may have been terminally ill and suffering. In this case, one might find meaning in knowing that their loved one is no longer suffering. Some find meaning by donating organs of their loved one to others so that the life of their loved one could save or improve the quality of a life. Naming a child after your loved one, starting a college fund, or planting a tree are some ways in which meaning can be found. 

We can find meaning in all that we grieve. Some people have grieved so hard for social justice that they decided to become lawyers. Many recovering addicts become excellent substance abuse counselors. A person that lost a loved one to heart disease may become a cardiologist. Some people that have lost their jobs have started their own businesses as a way of finding meaning. Choosing whether or not to remarry after a divorce can be a way of finding meaning. Don’t get me wrong, it can be really hard to find meaning when you are deep in your grief. Remember, the stages of grief can be revisited or not visited at all, in that someone might find themselves stuck in anger.

For some, the emotional rollercoaster of grief can be too much to handle. It is very important to seek support if you are unable to manage your emotions due to the intensity of your grief. Support groups, individual therapy, and spiritual guidance are great forms of support. Friends can be a good source of support as well. However, be mindful of your expectations. A friend might not know what to say and could unintentionally say something that sounds insensitive to the loss. Even with the best intentions, some of the things a friend says in an attempt to comfort you can be insensitive. Friends are most comforting during grief by just being there for emotional support. A conversation is not always necessary. Remembering this can help you to avoid saying the wrong thing to a grieving friend.

Everyone’s grief is unique. No one should tell you how to grieve. It is your loss and your grief is part of understanding your life after the loss. It can be really troubling when a friend says “I know how you feel about your loss.” The loss is unique to the individual. You and your friend could have both lost your jobs due to COVID-19. That does not mean it will have the same financial, mental, and emotional impact. Some friends make the mistake of saying they know what you are feeling because they lost the same family figure as you. Wrong again. That is not how grief works. Hopefully, after reading this blog, you have a clear understanding of the six stages of grief and understand your thoughts and feelings in relation to your loss. 

Are you struggling with grief or loss? Talking to a therapist can help you to process these feelings and find some peace and acceptance. Reach out to myTherapyNYC today for a free consultation to find out more about how we can help.

Where are you in the six stages of grief? Have you found meaning in your loss? Join the conversation and share your experience with the six stages of grief in the comments below!