What is New Relationship Energy and How Do I Manage It?

When you are first getting to know someone on a sexual or romantic level, the experience can be quite intense. You may find yourself unable to focus at work. You may notice your thoughts are fixated on that person. Perhaps you feel a flutter of sexual arousal at unexpected moments. You may also feel incredibly anxious. Your thoughts may be oscillating between visions of a long term relationship and paralyzing fear that they won’t text you back. There is a name for this experience, and that name is new relationship energy.

For most people, entering a new relationship is both an exciting and challenging experience. It can bring up positive feelings, like joy and excitement. But it can also trigger our deepest insecurities, leading to anxiety and dread. As a result, it can often feel like an emotional rollercoaster that is out of your control. In this post, I will look at new relationship energy using the triangle of experience (also known as “the change triangle”) from AEDP therapy. In doing so, I will offer you some tools and guidance on how to best navigate – and enjoy – the experience of starting a new relationship.

What is new relationship energy?

According to the Multiamory glossary of relationship terms, new relationship energy (or “NRE”) is a term to describe “the surge of emotional and sexual feelings that result from forming a new relationship.” People often describe NRE as feeling like a sort of high. There’s something to this description. When in the early stages of a relationship, our brains are flooded with dopamine and oxytocin. These neurotransmitters and hormones bring on feelings of pleasure and relaxation.

At the same time, NRE also often leads to a spike in cortisol levels and a decrease in serotonin. This hormonal experience is much less pleasant, resulting in elevated anxiety and the tendency to fixate. Chemically speaking, NRE involves a flood of anxiety right alongside a flood of pleasure. This explains the rollercoaster of feelings. But how do you best navigate these feelings in order to enjoy this time while also protecting yourself from hurt?

Core emotions vs. anxiety

Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (or AEDP) is an experiential type of psychotherapy that is informed by both attachment theory and neuroscience. The founder of AEDP, Diana Fosha, distinguishes between what she labels “core emotions” and anxiety. Core emotions are adaptive and help us to understand our needs and to thrive. Anxiety, on the other hand, is a self-protective response intended to keep us safe from threats. Because humans rely so heavily on each other, threats to relationships feel like threats to life, causing anxiety. A simplified explanation of AEDP therapy is that it helps us to regulate our anxiety so that we can feel our core emotions. In doing so, we begin to thrive.

We can apply the same logic to the experience of NRE. While in this state, we are usually experiencing a mix of core emotions and anxiety.

Core emotions

Core emotions are adaptive and help us to understand our needs. Being in touch with them helps us to live emotionally healthy lives. There are seven core emotions in AEDP: fear, anger, grief, joy, excitement, disgust, and sexual excitement. When in the early stages of dating, we are likely to feel a good amount of excitement and sexual excitement, and perhaps some joy. These feelings are the positive and pleasurable side of NRE.

Anxiety

Anxiety is a response to some perceived threat. Often, anxiety leads us to feel unsettled and tense. Cognitively, anxiety usually leads us to worry or to fixate. With NRE, anxiety can be sneaky, because sometimes it shows up in what seem like positive thoughts. “They’re not going to text me back” is a pretty blatantly anxious thought. It contains the worry that we associate with anxiety. Another thought you may have in an NRE state is something like, “we’re going to be together forever.” While this may seem like a positive sentiment, it is most likely an anxious thought as well. Envisioning your life with a person you just met is a totally normal part of NRE. However, if you start to cling more tightly to this vision, this is your brain trying to control an unknown future.

Unknowns invite anxiety because they contain a threat. If anything can happen, that means what you don’t want could happen. Of course, this is true of any moment, but it can be particularly daunting when it comes to the possibility of losing a relationship you currently cherish. So, anxiety in NRE can look like the classic anxious thoughts about fearing rejection or abandonment. But it can also look like being set on having a long future together. Or not wanting to entertain the thought that, like most relationships, this one could end. The anxious thoughts and feelings are signaling that you are at least a little vulnerable in this situation. That is a normal part of dating and, as long as you are safe and enjoying yourself, these worries do not usually need to be investigated further.

Read more about how trauma affects relationships

Feeling your (core) feelings

AEDP therapy teaches us to regulate anxiety and explore our core emotions. This is good advice when dealing with NRE too. Often, we may not be sure what is a healthy feeling when in the early stages of a relationship. We know that the experience feels good, but there is also a painful edge to it. That edge is your anxiety.

Here are some ideas for how you can regulate your anxiety when experiencing NRE:

• Do some deep breathing or meditation
• Feel the ground beneath your feet
• Tell yourself that what you’re experiencing is normal
• Remind yourself that you do not know what is going to happen in the future, but that it feels good now

Exploring core emotions somatically

The next step is to get in touch with your core emotions. Are you excited? Where do you feel that excitement in your body? It could be a feeling in your chest or an energy that makes you want to dance around. See if you can connect with the feeling of excitement. Notice any anxious thoughts that come up. This could be “I hope they text me back,” or “I want to move in with them.” Notice the thoughts and see if you let them pass and reconnect to the core feeling.

Exploring core emotions through fantasy

Another way to work with core emotions is through fantasy. For example, if you are feeling sexual excitement, allow yourself to fantasize about this person. Visualize them and allow yourself to feel aroused (as long as it is an appropriate time to do so). Allow yourself to indulge in whatever fantasy excites you but, again, be aware of any anxiety that comes up. Visualizing holding hands, kissing, or having sex with your new lover can be exciting. Visualizing your future wedding may actually be more anxiety-driven. If you are aware of increased tension, fixation, or worried thoughts, then you are likely back in the realm of anxiety.

New relationship energy (NRE) brings a flood of positive and negative feelings. It can be hard to know how to navigate the intensity of the experience. It is important to understand that NRE is a completely normal experience, and one that can be enjoyed. AEDP concepts suggest that the key is differentiating between anxiety and core emotion. If you can do this, then you can understand which feelings you want to regulate and which you want to let yourself feel.

Are you interested in learning more about navigating new relationship energy? Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists would be a good fit for you!

How have you navigated the emotions that come with a new relationship? Join the conversation in the comments below!