Online dating used to be considered something for middle-aged singles who couldn’t get dates the old fashioned way. Since the advent of dating apps, however, seemingly everyone is looking online. This phenomenon is not exclusive to the US. Global usership of dating apps has increased nearly 55% since 2015 to over 260 million users worldwide. Using apps to find dates, mates, and fun has become mainstream, especially when it comes to LGBTQ dating. According to a Pew Research study, nearly three in ten (28%) US adults have used a dating site or app. That figure is nearly double (55%) for LGB adults.
The apps have definitely widened the pool and made it easier to meet people, but not without its consequences. There are a number of ways, both good and bad, that apps have impacted the dating and sex game for the queer community.
Choose your own LGBTQ dating adventure
Variety is the spice of life. There is certainly no shortage of variety when it comes to options of the experiences you can have with sex and dating apps. Along with the abundance of potential mates, there is an abundance of app and website options. This allows you to curate your own experience.
With the plethora of choices, it can be helpful to know what you’re looking for and the best place to look for it. If you’re hoping for dates or a potential relationship, check out OkCupid, hinge, bumble, or Her. For those searching for hookups or a FWB, try scruff, grindr, or thurst. If you’re hoping to get into kinks or group activities, try recon or sniffies. Or, if you’re interested in exploring swinging or poly situations, give Feeld a whirl.
Thankfully, you don’t have to pick a lane and stay in it. You can be on multiple sites at once and pursue various things at the same time. You get to choose your own adventure! Check out a few and see what strikes your fancy.
Less dependent on queer spaces
Prior to the advent of the internet (hello, chat rooms and craigslist), the options for queer people to connect were limited and very space-dependent. The best places to find dates and mates were bars, clubs, book stores, movie theaters, the gym, or cruising spaces (i.e. parks). These spaces still exist and can be a good way to meet people IRL, but they are no longer necessary.
With sex and dating apps, you can connect with people from your couch or while waiting in line at Starbucks. One major drawback of this is that it has led to the dilution of queer spaces, especially gay bars, which have seen an enormous decline since the mid-2000’s. One big benefit of apps, though, is that they have increased accessibility to those who live in locations with a dearth of queer spaces. You can now meet your date or date-for-the-night from just about anywhere and not be confined to your local watering hole.
You are a brand
Seeing is believing. On the apps, you can put out whatever image or persona you choose. Want to highlight that you’re a gym rat? Want to really up the party girl vibe? Or perhaps show that you’re a corporate gay? Or maybe to show that you’ve been to 24 countries? Want to show that you’re obsessed with your dog (as you should be)? Go for it. Your brand is yours for the making. It’s important to feel confident in what you’re putting out there, but you also want to make sure that it will translate to reality when/if you meet people IRL.
Another thing to consider is social media and how that adds to your personal brand. On many of the apps, you can link to your personal social media accounts, but proceed with caution. It might be wise to consider what your social media says about you. Is that what you want to be putting out there for potential suitors? Does your social media accurately represent who you are? If the answer is yes, then why not link it? If the answer is no, maybe reconsider what you put on social media or keep your accounts away from the apps.
Good for introverts
Due to the apps, extroverts no longer have the market cornered on picking up people. As an introvert, you get to explore sex and dating from behind a screen and in the comfort of your own home. Building up a rapport with someone in a “safe” way can lead to you feeling more at ease when you meet for real. Taking the edge off can give you the confidence you need to rock that first encounter.
Abundance of options
Probably the biggest pro and the biggest con of sex and dating apps is the excess of options they provide you. This is a huge pro because it makes the number of available fish in the sea so much larger. It allows you to meet folx you probably would not otherwise meet. Apps provide the space and freedom to explore. This is also a con because it can lead to feelings of FOMO, “the grass is always greener,” or “it’s never enough.” It can lead to the paradox of choice or decision paralysis. The best thing you can do for yourself is be open to the possibilities but, at the same time, be willing to commit to what it is that you want. A balancing act for sure, but intention is the first step.
If you’re contemplating getting on the apps, I say YOLO. What do you have to lose? As we’ve explored, you get to choose how you use them and you can have fun experiences where you hopefully meet interesting people. Also, the odds are in your favor. A Stanford study found that nearly two-thirds of LGBTQ couples meet online. I’d also bargain to guess that that figure is even higher for LGBTQ hookups. The moral of the story is: no matter your cup of tea, there is a place and person(s) for you on the apps. It may be exhausting at times, but it can definitely be worth the grind. Now go get out there!
Are you looking for support around LGBTQ dating? Working with a LGBTQ therapist may be a great place to start!
What has been your experience with sex and datings apps? Join the conversation in the comments below!
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- How Apps Have Changed LGBTQ+ Dating - June 2, 2022
2 comments
Andrew, this was a fun and insightful read. I really like the idea of being your own brand; it’s so true.
I really appreciate your personality shining through in this blog, Andrew. You’ve given statistics and facts, yet make it fun and playful to take some of the seriousness or pressure off of dating.