If you’ve ever found yourself fixating on getting things just right while simultaneously bending over backward to keep everyone happy, you’re not alone.
Perfectionism and people-pleasing often show up as a package deal—a duo driven by a deep desire to feel worthy, accepted, and safe. These may seem like admirable and productive traits, but beneath the surface, these patterns can leave you feeling anxious, overwhelmed, and disconnected from a deeper and more sustainable sense of self-confidence.
By exploring why these two behaviors are often intertwined and how they might be inhibiting you, we can both explore common reasoning for these behaviors and outline practical steps you can take to break free from the cycle without abandoning your drive or your care for those in your life, and learn how to stop people-pleasing.
Seeking Safety Through Approval
Perfectionism and people-pleasing often show up as forms of protection. For example, perfectionism contends that if you do everything right, you won’t be criticized. Or, as people-pleasing would contend, if you keep everyone happy, you won’t be rejected. Both behaviors are driven by the belief that approval relates to acceptance and conflict avoidance.
On the surface, these patterns promise safety, but in reality, it can cause a false sense of security that is driven by exhausting and unreasonable expectations. There are good reasons why people-pleasing and perfectionist patterns are so closely linked. Both attempt to defend against anxiety, self-doubt, and fear of failure. They create the illusion of control but actually reinforce a cycle of stress and neglect of your authentic self. Over time, the approval they both attempt to seek becomes a moving target, a goal never quite achieved and never truly fulfilled.
What feels like protection is often a prison. Recognizing these patterns and being aware of the false sense of security they promote may be the first step toward behavior that is more sustainable.
Maladaptive Ways Of Seeking Control
Finding control and avoiding conflict are desirable outcomes, but when they come at the expense of perfectionism and placating, it can lead to difficult patterns and endless longing. Whether it’s controlling outcomes or controlling how others perceive us, both are efforts to avoid the discomfort of conflict, criticism, or rejection.
Generally, perfectionists seek control through flawless execution. If everything is done right, then there’s no room for failure, disappointment, or disapproval. It’s a way to stay ahead of judgment and maintain a sense of safety through predictability. Letting go of perfectionism can be difficult, but with the right strategies, it can lead to a greater trust in oneself.
Read more about letting go of perfectionism.
People-pleasers, meanwhile, attempt to avoid conflict out of worry over the emotional toll conflict may create. By anticipating others’ needs, smoothing over tension, and avoiding disagreement, they try to prevent conflict before it begins. Their goal isn’t perfection of the task, but perfection of cooperation. Though the ultimate goal of connection is present, people-pleasing instead of healthy boundary settings can lead to greater feelings of insecurity and lower self-esteem.
Ultimately, in time, neither people-pleasing nor perfectionism offers real control or safety. What they protect us from (conflict, rejection, failure, disapproval) are part of being human. The freedom we long for begins not with control, but with self-acceptance.
The Drawbacks of Living in Performance Mode
Living in constant performance mode—whether through perfectionism or people-pleasing—comes at a high cost. Burnout is common among both, as the pressure to do everything flawlessly or keep everyone happy leaves little room for rest or authenticity. Over time, resentment can build towards others and ourselves.
This way of living also propels chronic indecisiveness. When choices are made to avoid conflict or maintain an image, it’s easy to lose touch with what you actually desire as your perspective shifts to others’ needs and expectations. That disconnection from your own needs and desires can erode trust in yourself.
At its root, performance mode reinforces low self-esteem by messaging that you’re not enough as-is. The result? A life that may look put-together on the outside but feels empty and anxious on the inside. Real fulfillment and peace enter the equation when we can be humble, set healthy boundaries, and accept conflict and imperfection as a natural state of the human experience.
How to Stop People-Pleasing: Gain Confidence
Moving from performance-based living to a sustained state of confidence begins with recognizing that worth isn’t earned but inherent.
Both perfectionism and people-pleasing operate from anxiety around feeling a certain way. To shift out of this cycle, we need to cultivate safety and tolerance through boundaries and self-compassion:
- Setting Boundaries: Boundaries are not unmovable barriers; they’re a form of clarifying needs. Saying “no” to what depletes you is saying “yes” to what you value. Declining a work project you don’t have capacity for might feel uncomfortable, but it honors your limits and builds trust in yourself. By using appropriate boundaries, confidence is created through self-awareness and acceptance.
- Self-Care: Self-compassion helps break away from perfection and people-pleasing. In AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy), we learn that healing begins with emotional safety. Instead of criticizing yourself for falling short, we shift our focus to accepting how we’re honestly feeling and recognizing our capacity to feel without judgment or shame. In doing so, we can create more tolerance for uncomfortable emotions while still being true to ourselves and our desires.
- Realistic Expectations: You can challenge perfectionistic thinking by embracing a good-enough framework. Try it and see how it feels when we shift away from rigid right-or-wrong thinking patterns. When the mind says, “If it’s not perfect, I’ve failed,” respond with curiosity. How does it feel to recognize that “good enough” may truly be good enough!
- Rediscover Your Sense of Self: Reconnecting with your own values and voice is the final shift. What truly matters to you! Whether it’s creativity, rest, or honest relationships, anchoring to your values provides clear direction when we give ourselves time to connect to them.
Sustainable confidence doesn’t come from being perfect. Instead, confidence grows when you show up, imperfect, honest, and aligned with yourself and with recognition that you are enough as you are!
Go Forth and Flourish
Letting go of perfectionism and people-pleasing doesn’t mean giving up on growth. When we let go of our anxiety that we’re not enough, we don’t lose our motivation for growth, but rather flourish in the freedom given to us to act in accordance with our true selves.
Do you want to explore people-pleasing in therapy? Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists would be a good fit for you!
In what areas of life do you notice yourself seeking approval and control through perfectionism and people-pleasing? What tools have you used to shift away from this need towards greater self-acceptance? Join the conversation in the comments below!
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