How to Respond When Someone Comes Out to You [Transcript]
Hi, I’m Johnny MacNeil, and today, I’m going to talk to you about the do’s and don’ts of when someone comes out to you. Coming out is understood as a step in the process of affirming one’s gender identity or sexual orientation. We do this through sharing this information with others. The weight and significance of this process can vary depending on the individual. For many people, coming out can be challenging. It can induce apprehension, anxiety, and fear about how this information will be received by others. Being the receiver of this information can be a powerful and meaningful opportunity to both affirm and support the individual. However, it’s important to be mindful of how to respond when someone comes out to you. We want to make sure our responses are congruent with our intentions.
The don’ts: how not to respond when someone comes out to you
The following are a list of things to avoid when someone comes out to you.
Centering yourself
When it comes to responding, it’s most important to focus on the individual and their experience. Self-centering or making this about yourself detracts from the focus on the individual and shifts the conversation away from the experience of the individual towards your own.
One’s intention might be to express unconditional support. However, saying things like, “I’ve always known,” or, “I’ve been waiting for you to tell me,” can undermine the emotional significance of this step. It can also detract from the sense of personal agency for this person. They are coming to terms with this information and choosing to share it with you, so keep this in mind.
Making assumptions
Making assumptions can show up in the form of projecting your own views. It can also look like assuming that this information can be shared with others. These are not appropriate responses. One’s intention might be to communicate awareness and understanding. However, drawing comparisons through things like, “this is just like,” or extrapolating conclusions, “so this means,” shifts the focus away from being fully present with the individual in the moment. It can create an expectation where the individual feels pressured to clarify, explain, or share more information than they feel comfortable with.
Additionally, don’t assume you’re at liberty to share this with others. Honor the individual’s intention of establishing greater trust and openness in your relationship. Respect the individual’s agency in choosing to share this information on their own terms.
Push them to share more
Finally, it’s important to remember that one’s coming out is not an invitation for you to inquire or weigh in on their identity or sexual orientation. Your intention may be greater engagement. However, this can set an expectation for the individual to clarify, explain, or disclose more than they feel comfortable with. Allow the individual to share as much as they feel comfortable. Avoid making a conversation about addressing your needs, questions, or concerns. Remain focused on and present with the individual and their experience in the moment.
The do’s: how to respond when someone comes out to you
As stated earlier, the most important thing to focus on is the individual and to be fully present with them in the moment. Here are some tips of how to show support when someone comes out to you.
Acknowledge
Acknowledge the importance of this step for the individual. Validate and say things like, “sharing this takes so much trust,” or, “I want you to know this information is safe with me.” This demonstrates both awareness and understanding of the importance of this step for the individual. It also remains focused on the present and your relationship with them.
Respect
Respect their own process and journey. Ask things like, “how can I best support you in this process,” or check in with, “how are you feeling.” This ensures that the focus remains on the individual and gives space for them to express their own feelings about the coming out process, who they’ve chosen to share this information with, and how you can best support them going forward.
Appreciate
Say something like, “I really appreciate you sharing this with me,” or, “your trust in sharing this with me means so much.” This focuses on the individual and your relationship with them. It reiterates how important your relationship with the individual is. It also shows how this is an opportunity for your relationship to move forward in a more open and connected way.
Be an ally
Whether it’s in the workplace or social settings, being an ally can take many different forms. This can include intervening when noticing the use of discriminatory language by colleagues or friends, addressing discriminatory policies in the workplace, or just becoming more mindful of the subtle ways to show support, openness, and acceptance for individuals of all identities.
Become informed
Instead of placing the agency on the individual to address any confusion you have, take the responsibility onto yourself. Resources like PFLAG, the GSA Network, and the National LGBTQ Task Force are all resources that can provide information for you. You can become more informed and spread awareness through attending rallies and conferences surrounding social justice and LGBTQ related issues.
If someone comes out to you, hopefully these tips can help you to show up in a way that is supportive and affirming.
Watch Our Recent Webinar: Coming Out: Your Journey to Self-Acceptance
What are some ways you’ve supported people coming out? Join the conversation below!
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