The holiday season is generally a time for festivity and celebration, but it can be a particularly painful and sad time for those dealing with any type of grief or loss. Aside from the grief response following the death of an important loved one, grief can also present itself in other painful ways prior to a death. Grief is typically defined as the intense emotions that accompany the death of a loved one. The purpose of grief is to lead us to a place of emotional acceptance. Formal mourning customs provide the space to process the loss and that life will never be the same. However, the same does not hold true for those who are grieving the loss of someone who has not yet died. This can look like grieving for a loved one dying from a terminal illness (known as anticipatory grief) or grieving a loved one who is no longer recognizable as you once knew them (known as ambiguous grief). These are two types of holiday grief that can make coping difficult.
Understanding anticipatory grief
As the name suggests, anticipatory grief is the complicated process of grieving the loss of someone whose life is ending. In grieving for someone who is still alive, but perhaps in deteriorating health or terminally ill, you may be grappling with a complicated array of confusing emotions. Knowing this may be your last holiday together, you may experience a desire to make the holiday season as meaningful as possible, while also managing this unique type of pain and sadness. It is important to note that, as soon as you understand someone you love is going to die, you begin grieving. This process can last many years in the case of an extended illness, or just weeks to months if a loved one received an advanced diagnosis with little time to prepare. The expectations of the holidays may heighten your sense of impending loss.
Understanding ambiguous grief
Grieving the loss of someone who is still alive, but has changed, is referred to as ambiguous grief or ambiguous loss. Perhaps your loved one is not the person they once were psychologically, but they are still physically present. This can be due to diminished mental or emotional capacity resulting from conditions like dementia, addiction, traumatic brain injury, or serious persistent mental illness. In these cases, being with your loved one in this unfamiliar space can feel disorienting as you come to terms with the loss of the relationship as you once knew it.
In the cases of both anticipatory and ambiguous grief, you may even notice that you feel guilty for grieving. It is important to recognize that your feelings of loss and sadness are valid. Give yourself permission to feel the deep pain alongside the love you feel for your loved one.
Supporting yourself through it
If you are experiencing anticipatory or ambiguous grief, it is important to support yourself. Here are some ways you can do that this holiday season:
- Self-care: Spend time reflecting and noticing your thoughts and emotions. In becoming present to where you are in your grief, you create the opportunity to offer yourself the self-care you need. It is important to maintain your own wellness practices through the holidays, especially as you cope with grief-related distress.
- Traditions: Celebrate your loved one’s continued presence in your life by enjoying the holiday traditions you’ve shared together in the past.
- Make peace: Request the opportunity to resolve any conflict between you and your loved one. By expressing anything you need to say and making amends for your part in any relational conflict, you can share intimate moments of healing and closure.
- Boundaries: Give yourself permission to do less and to do things differently. It’s ok to decline invitations or turn down people’s requests if you are not feeling up to them. Since it is important to also stay connected to others, consider proposing an alternative way to spend time together that feels more manageable for you.
- Get support: Ask for and accept help when it is needed. Stay engaged and remain connected to your support system. The concerned others in your life probably want to help. This also includes the support of your doctor and psychotherapist.
Read more: Give Yourself the Gift of Self Care
Grieving the impending loss of a loved one or grieving the loss of your loved one as you once knew them is a challenging process at any time. This can be an even more isolating and overwhelming experience during the holiday season, when the senses are overloaded with the sights, sounds and expectations of merry-making. You may be able to soften the impact of your holiday grief with some planning for and anticipating your emotional needs during this holiday season.
How have you worked through anticipatory or ambiguous grief? Leave you answer in the comments below!
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1 comment
Such an important topic Peter- not enough attention is paid to ambiguous forms of loss, and these can be especially painful during the holidays. I think it is so important to validate and accept your feelings of sadness, and not feel guilty for having these feelings during a time that others may see as joyous or celebratory. There is no wrong time to feel, and it is important to focus on your own emotional needs and what you are feeling rather than what you think you should be feeling.