How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship

Recognizing that a friend or other loved one is in an abusive relationship can be painful and alarming. You may feel any number of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, or disgust. You may feel a desire to intervene or, conversely, to pull away. Unfortunately, abusive relationships are often very complicated situations. Additionally, the person being abused may feel ashamed or be in denial, both of which can make it difficult for you to help them. More than anything, they usually need a nonjudgemental and committed friend who can help them process and understand what they are going through at a pace that works for them. In this blog, I will offer tips on how to help a friend in an abusive relationship.

What is an abusive relationship?

First, let’s consider what constitutes an abusive relationship. What many people may not understand is that abusive language and behaviors can and do occur in many relationships from time to time. Name calling and belittling, for example, are forms of emotional abuse that are quite common. Although these behaviors are not what we would call fair fighting, the occasional occurrence of them does not necessarily mean that the relationship dynamic is overall an abusive one. Oftentimes, with some commitment and perhaps the help of a couples therapist, partners can find healthier ways to work through conflict.

What sets an abusive relationship apart is the frequency of the abuse and/or the power dynamic. If emotional or physical abuse are a common occurrence within the relationship, then the issue is more of a problem. Furthermore, if there is an uneven power dynamic in the relationship, then the abuse can become even more harmful.

Power imbalances 

Power can take many forms, including physical strength, control of finances, or primary ownership of the home. Aspects of identity also impact a person’s power. For example, a cisgender man has more identity-based power than his cisgender or transgender woman partner. Sometimes, partners with roughly equal power in the relationship habitually abuse one another. Sometimes, the partner with less power acts abusively out of a feeling of powerlessness.

The most harmful situation is when the partner with more power is also the primary instigator of abuse. In these situations, the person who is being abused is likely to feel trapped, alone, ashamed, or may even be in denial that the situation is abusive. This is also the situation in which they may need the most help getting out of the situation.

Read about the early signs of an abusive relationship

How to help a friend in an abusive relationship: An open stance

The most important goal in supporting a friend in an abusive relationship is to help them feel safe with you. No matter what. If your friend loves the person who is abusing them or has been with them for a long time, then the situation is quite complex. If your friend is reliant on this person for money, shelter, or other necessities, that is added complexity. Your friend may not currently view the situation as abusive. Even if they do, they may not be anywhere near ready to leave.

As an outsider, this can be hard to understand. But if you center your lack of understanding, you are communicating to your friend that you are not a real support for them until they see it your way. More often than not, this will leave your friend feeling further alone and alienated.

To avoid this, try being curious and nonjudgemental. You may want to ask some more lightweight questions to see how open your friend is to sharing. “How’s it going with your husband?” or “I heard what she just said to you. How did that feel?” If your friend backs away, don’t push, but let them know that they can always talk to you about it. If they answer honestly, then this is a good sign that they are open to sharing with you. Even so, be sure to communicate to your friend that you are not judging them, that you know the situation is complex, and that you want to help in whatever way they feel comfortable with.

Don’t center yourself

It is entirely possible that helping your friend will be a frustrating experience for you. Often, a person who is being abused is reluctant to leave the relationship. So, even if you feel frustrated, it is more supportive to gently invite your friend to consider their options. If you act out of frustration, you may find yourself doing any of the following:

• Making ultimatums: “if you don’t leave him, I won’t be your friend anymore.”
• Communicating a lack of understanding: “I don’t get why you stay with them.”
• Victim blaming: “By staying, you’re letting her treat you that way.”

Any of these statements is most likely coming from a protective place. However, they can also come across as shaming or scolding. If your friend is already embarrassed about their situation, this will only lead to more shame. Shame makes us want to hide, so your friend is likely to pull away from you as a source of support.

Do share when appropriate

That said, sharing your feelings is not necessarily a problem. If your friend can hear your perspective, it could help them to come to terms with the abuse. If your friend seems open to talking, try asking permission to share. “I have some thoughts about this. Would you be open to hearing them?” By asking permission, you’re showing respect for your friend’s autonomy and demonstrating that you care.

If your friend agrees, be mindful of how you speak. Try to make I statements and share from your own perspective:

“I believe that you deserve better treatment than this.”

“It makes me so sad to see you getting hurt, because I love you.”

“I felt angry when I heard what he said to you the other night.”

You may also want to check in and see how your sharing is landing with your friend:
“How does it feel to hear me say this?”

The most important thing to communicate is that you are going to be their friend no matter what they decide to do. If they see you as a reliable support, they may be able to improve or leave the situation in the way that makes the most sense to them.

Read about how to be a supportive friend

Offer practical help

If your friend is responsive, you can offer to help in practical ways. What this entails depends on the situation. Perhaps you help them find an individual or couples therapist. Maybe you connect them to the National Domestic Violence Hotline or a support group.

Safety planning 

If your friend is in an abusive situation, you can help them to make a safety plan. In order to do so, you can identify key signals that let them know that they need to leave the home environment. For example, “if he starts yelling, it’s time to go.” Help your friend to consider what they will need to take with them. This could be a change of clothes, a toothbrush, or even the children. Also help them to decide where to go. If you have a guest room and are comfortable with it, you can offer for them to stay with you. If not, help your friend consider where else they may find safety, which may include a domestic violence shelter.

Additionally, if your friend is ready to leave their partner, you can help them plan this. Make sure they are leaving in a way that prioritizes safety. In an abusive relationship, this may mean leaving without telling the abusive partner. It may also be better to wait a couple of weeks and leave while the partner is out of town, rather than risk the violent reaction that could come from trying to leave. Your friend may have complicated feelings about this, and you can invite them to share their grief, guilt, or anything else. If they are planning to leave, make sure they have a safe and stable place to go when they do. 

Abusive relationships are complex and no two abusive relationships are the same. If you have a friend who is in an abusive relationship, be mindful of how you approach the topic. If you approach them in a nonjudgemental and curious manner, they are more likely to open up to you. Remember, you cannot force them to do anything. It is better to offer unconditional love and support, so your friend feels understood. If your friend is open to your help, be respectful, ask permission, and offer to help in practical and realistic ways. This is a difficult thing to go through and to witness. But if your friend feels safe sharing with you, then you are one of the best resources they can have as they navigate this challenge.

Are you looking for support in navigating relationships? Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists would be a good fit for you!

Have you helped a friend in an abusive relationship? What worked and what didn’t? Join the conversation in the comments below!