For many gay men, dating can feel like a chore. In an era in which most guys meet each other on apps like Grindr and Scruff, it can feel like there’s nowhere to turn for a genuine romantic connection (or anything other than an “NSA hookup”). If you have met one guy after another for drinks without feeling the spark, find random hookups unsatisfying but do it anyway, or have given up on dating altogether, you may be suffering from “dating fatigue.”
Dating fatigue seems to be more common than ever, especially for gay men. The prominence of dating apps has magnified the ways that gay men already tend to gravitate towards sexual experiences but away from commitment (for more on this, you may want to read Alan Downs’ book The Velvet Rage). That said, the situation is far from hopeless and, as simple it may seem, knowing how to make dating fun is the best way to overcome dating exhaustion. Here are some easy ways that you can make dating feel less like a chore and more like an adventure.
Keep your expectations realistic
If your goal for dating is to meet a partner, it can be hard not to ride the rollercoaster of high hopes followed by bitter disappointments, but remember that building a partnership is not something that happens overnight. Take your time getting to know the people you date. If you find yourself fantasizing about your future with a guy after your first date (or even before you’ve met him in person), remind yourself that, while the fantasy can be fun, you don’t yet know him well enough to know if he is a good match for you or if he can meet your needs. The same holds true if you don’t feel a spark on the first date. You may just need to get to know the person better.
Watch: Understanding the Difference Between Wants and Needs
Shake up your dating routine
When you are actively dating, it can be easy to fall into a routine of meeting people in the same way. If you’re used to meeting people on a gay dating app and none of the dates pan out, you might find yourself exhausted.
So give yourself a break from what you’ve been doing and try something new. Maybe that means joining a gay meetup, a gay sports team, or even using an app if you haven’t in the past. Whatever you try, just make sure its something different to avoid that dating burnout.
Do things you like to do – Make dating fun!
Try coming up with a list of activities you enjoy and that would make for good dates. Exploring different parts of the city, trying new restaurants, having a picnic, going to a museum, throwing a frisbee, or riding a ferry are all good ways to introduce new energy into your dates. Activities like these also give you and your date the opportunity to see a more playful part of each other.
Whether you are a person who likes to go to a baseball game, the theater, or a Renaissance Fair, you will be happier in a relationship if your partner is willing, or even excited, to accompany you on your favorite outings. Considering this, don’t try to hide your interests or always suggest to do what he wants to do. Especially after you have hit it off with someone and have been on a few good dates, invite him along for one of your favorite activities. He doesn’t have to like it as much as you do, but his willingness (or unwillingness) to come along and be a good sport says a lot about the type of partner he could be.
Even when you’re not on a date, engaging in your favorite activities can be good for your love life, because it affords you the opportunity to meet new people. Not only is it fun to do the things you like to do, but it will also increase your interactions with other gay guys who like to do the same things as you. The more you expand your social circle of like-minded gay men, the better your chances of meeting potential dates.
Read more: How to Make Friends as a Gay Man
For more dating tips for gay men, read Israel Martinez’s book Helping Gay Men Find Love.
These are just a few ways that you can overcome dating fatigue by keeping dating fun. If you would like to think more about dating and exchange ideas with other gay men, consider working with an LGBT affirming therapist!
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7 comments
Dating can be extremely hard for most people, so thanks for providing these simple and great tips for making dating easy and fun.
Dating fatigue is a problem for so many people, especially with apps playing such a big part in dating. This post makes some great points about how to keep dating fun, exciting, and to approach it realistically. Thank you!
Joe, thanks for this relatable post. I hear about people’s dating fatigue and frustration often – it’s very rampant. Thanks for these useful tips that might help people re-energize their dating life. I particularly like the idea of simply doing things one likes, which means they are doing something good for them and might meet others who have the same interests.
Great blog- honest and important parameters to consider making dating more about a conscious set of choices.
Great blog- making dating more about an honest set of conscious choices.
These are great points! I especially like the tip about directing the date to activities that are fun for you. I think seeing someone I care about do what they love makes me care about them even more! And, the best part about dating is broadening our own horizons and stepping out of our comfort zones. Great post!
This is a great blog, Joe! I really like the idea of having realistic expectations while dating. Often, in the gay community we tend to meet someone and “expect” an instant relationship. This is not only unrealistic but extremely unhealthy, as one may find themselves in a toxic relationship full of hope and desires that will never be achived. I’m new to the dating thing and these apps are foreign and often disappointing to me. However, these tips have made me think about things somewhat differently. Thanks!