What are the Early Signs of an Abusive Relationship [Transcript]
Today, I will be talking about early signs of an abusive relationship. Before we jump into examples of abuse, I want to give quick definitions for emotional abuse and physical abuse. Please note that there are many other types of abuse, but I’m just going to focus on these two for now.
Types of Abuse: Emotional and Physical
The primary type of abuse is emotional abuse. Emotional abuse can be defined as any nonphysical behaviors that feel like a threat to your safety. That can include feeling like you have to walk on eggshells or feeling like you’re being criticized. Things that make you feel emotionally drained within the relationship and not necessarily safe with your partner. Often, research has pointed to emotional abuse starting as an introductory way where eventually it can lead to physical abuse.
Physical abuse is any intentional unwanted contact with your body that makes you feel unsafe that is intentionally meant to hurt you or put fear in you.
Watch a video on dating red flags
Early Signs of Abuse in a Relationship
Now that you know a quick definition of emotional and physical abuse, I’m gonna jump into some behaviors you can start to notice early on that can give you a sign that there could be an abuse in this relationship.
Love Bombing
The first one is what we call love bombing. This is giving so many compliments, trying to be very, quote, unquote lovey-dovey. Some examples of love bombing include giving you very intense attention, putting you up on a pedestal saying there’s nothing you can do wrong, or saying they’ve never met anyone like you, that they are very much overwhelming in their compliments and support for you.
Constant Monitoring
Another example is constant monitoring. So this can include consistent and overwhelming check-in calls wondering where you are, when you’re coming back, who you’re with, wondering why you’re not with them, wanting to know if they can have your passwords, or feeling a little bit of invasion of privacy. These are things you can notice maybe from the first date on or as you get more comfortable with them in the relationship.
Consistent togetherness and jealousy
This next one can be kind of lumped together into two things. One, consistent togetherness and jealousy when you’re not together or giving them the attention that they want. So this can be wanting to spend all of their free time together and all of your free time together. And then they get jealous when you are not providing that attention to them if you’re busy, let’s say, if you’re working and not responding to texts, or if you’re with friends and not responding, or say you can’t meet up with them when they think you’re available when you’re actually not.
This could also be when you’re in the same space together. If you feel like you can’t go to the bathroom by yourself, or excuse yourself to have moments of alone time, or to be separate from them. These are some things you can start to take note of if there’s questions about what you’re doing.
Criticism
Another one is constant criticism about you, about others, about anything all of the time. So that can start out as snarky comments about, let’s say, what you’re wearing, what you’re doing, the friends or the family that you choose to associate with, any decisions that you have in your life, especially if they are happening in front of other people and it starts to make you feel like you’re questioning your gut or doubting your own decisions.
Refusal to take responsibility
The last one is refusal to take responsibility for their own behaviors and feelings. So they can place the blame on you, place the blame on someone else, or an entire third-party situation in its own, but they cannot and will not place the responsibility on them. And that can look like, if you’re in an argument, you made them feel the way that they did so that’s why they behaved in a certain way, or someone else did something to make them behave the way they did. However they spin it, they will not own up to it. They cannot own up to it and take responsibility for their role in a situation and how they responded.
“Play fighting” or escalations of unwanted physical contact
Next, I’m gonna give some quick examples of things to look out for, for physical abuse. That includes, let’s say, play fighting, or pretending to hit you or something else, pretending to throw something. These are early signs. As the relationship could intensify, it could become more threatening to you. So anything, let’s say, pulling your hair or grabbing your arm to stop you from leaving, anything that feels like, one, threatening to you, and unwanted intentional contact that is intimidating.
Read more about trauma in relationships
What to do when you notice early signs of abuse
Now that I’ve given you some examples of what you could look out for early on or even far into your relationship, I’m gonna give you some guidance on what you can do about it once you notice these signs.
Trust your instincts and talk to someone
First and foremost, if you feel that something is off, trust your instinct and talk to someone. Often, more times than not, if you’re noticing something, someone else may notice it as well. So feel free to reach out to a friend, a family member, a supported mentor, someone else, just to share how you’re feeling. That way, you’re not going through it alone. Often, the reflection or deflection of responsibility on the abuser’s end may often leave you feeling like you can’t trust yourself. And so I really encourage you to reach out to someone else and just share what you’re going through.
Make yourself a priority
Oftentimes, we try to give people the benefit of the doubt for the way that they’re treating us, or try to understand where they’re coming from or how they could be behaving in these ways. What I’d like for you to do is try to focus on yourself and your priorities, what your needs are.
Remind yourself: it’s not your fault
Next, try to understand that none of this is your fault. There is nothing that you could do that would warrant disrespect, abuse, insults, humiliation at any level.
Disengage and set personal boundaries
Next is disengaging and setting personal boundaries. Of course, this is all based on safety, and so I encourage you to engage in the behavior that you feel is safest for you at this moment. Disengaging, especially early on, and creating boundaries could be stating, “If you continue to talk to me this way, I am not engaging, I will not speak to you anymore.” And follow up with that boundary.
If possible, exit the relationship and cut off all ties. That may be easier said than done for some. And in that case, we recommend reaching out to one of the hotlines, a trusted friend, family member, someone in your support system, or even a therapist who can walk you through creating a safety plan, an exit plan, and help you navigate what seems the safest option or the best option for you in terms of cutting off those ties and completely disengaging.
Continue reaching out for support
Lastly is continuing to speak to someone about the experience you’ve had. That is, having someone to listen to what you’ve been going through because any type of abuse can be emotionally draining and you deserve to have that type of support to be there for you.
If you have experienced abuse, there is help. You can call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 800.799.SAFE(7233).
We also recommend therapy as a way to process experiences of abuse. You can book a free consultation with one of our trauma-informed therapists today.
What are your reactions to this list of early signs of abuse? Join the conversation in the comments!
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