Dating with Social Anxiety: Using Pre-Date Tips to Date with Ease

Going on a date can feel like you are embarking on the most intimate interview of all time. It can feel awkward, physically and emotionally uncomfortable, and very vulnerable. If you are dating with social anxiety, these sensations can feel even more intense. Social anxiety can make you want to avoid any social situation, and often this can include dating.

How can social anxiety be a barrier to dating?

If you are socially anxious you may have certain fears around dating. These fears can include not knowing what to say, being judged by your date, being embarrassed or humiliated, or being the center of attention. You can also experience overwhelming negative self-talk. You could also have physical responses, such as blushing, nausea, shaking, racing thoughts, or even panic attacks. Regardless of the particular symptoms, dating with social anxiety can feel emotionally unsafe.

Feeling emotionally unsafe can lead us to feel less connected to our emotions. Our emotions tell us so much about how we are actually feeling. This is pivotal information when trying to notice if we are connecting with or attracted to a potential partner. Social anxiety can also lead us away from our authentic self. This can make it difficult to allow a partner to get to know the real you. Below, we will discuss the importance of preparing and practicing before the date. If you have social anxiety, this can allow you to feel prepared, authentic, and confident on the actual date. 

Pre-date preparation 

If you are dating with social anxiety, the main goal during the preparation stage is to create a sense of security and safety. Ideally, this will help you to become more connected to your body and emotions. When we think about preparation, this does not mean overthinking or creating narratives about what you will talk about or how the date will go. Instead, preparation means focusing on creating a date that will increase a sense of security within ourselves. This can allow us to be emotionally vulnerable and open to the experience.

If you are a person who is dating with social anxiety, “common” dating environments can feel threatening and over stimulating. These environments can push us into our protective fight or flight mode.

Watch a video about fight, flight, and freeze

When we are in this mode, it can close us off to our own emotions. This could look like becoming defensive, having skewed thoughts guide our behaviors, or leaving the situation. This can also close us off to being emotionally intimate with the person in front of us. Take a moment to reflect on what environments you feel the most comfortable in.

Some ideas: 

A park can be a great first date! For people dating with social anxiety, it can often feel hard to maintain a sense of groundedness. Being in nature can help to combat this. When we feel anxious, listening to the sounds of nature, breathing in the fresh air, and seeing the beautiful landscape can create a sense of centeredness. In addition to the calming qualities of nature, parks are often less crowded. This can decrease the chances of becoming overstimulated or having little physical space.

Read about managing anxiety with images from nature

Finding an activity that you enjoy is also a great way to go on a date with ease. This could look like seeing a movie or a show, going to a museum, playing mini-golf, or taking a cooking or painting class. Participating in an activity takes off the pressure of constant conversation. Instead, it enhances the experience by engaging in an enjoyable shared activity. Doing things you enjoy can also decrease your anxiety and create a sense of joy, safety, and excitement. 

Setting a start and end time to the date can also alleviate symptoms of anxiety. Often when we have anxiety, there are factors that feel out of our control. When individuals with anxious tendencies feel as though they are out of control, it feels unsafe. This can kickstart the fight or flight response. Instead of avoiding the situation completely, try finding factors that are in your control. Choosing the start and end time to the date or picking the place can allow us to feel more safe.

Pre-date: practice managing your social anxiety 

Now that the date is scheduled, it is important to prepare to manage the symptoms of anxiety that may come up on the date. Just like how runners train for marathons, it’s important to practice coping with social anxiety before the main event.

Practice coping skills 

Before the date, we want to practice turning inwards and being open to the physical sensations that occur in our bodies. Start by noticing situations that trigger your social anxiety. Observe how you experience the symptoms of anxiety within your body. When you start feeling anxious, practice different coping skills. These can include breathing and grounding exercises.  It is important to take the time to “try on” these exercises to see which one fits with your internal experience. What works for you, could be completely different from what works for someone else.

Read more about social anxiety coping skills

Disrupt negative self-talk 

Another skill we want to practice is disrupting negative self-talk and replacing it with positive affirmations. Often, our anxiety is heightened by the hypothetical thoughts or narratives we tell ourselves. Try replacing anxious thoughts with “I am just really excited,” “I am ok, just as I am,” or “I am safe.” By challenging and disrupting these negative thoughts, we are able to come down from that fight or flight mode and become more grounded within our bodies. 

Practice with safe individuals

On the date, we want to be open to experiencing the date with the other person. We want to be present and feel safe as our authentic selves. In order to do this on the date, notice how it feels just to be you with friends or family. Notice which topics that excite you and feel enjoyable for you to engage in, and which ones trigger anxiety. This can be valuable information to know in preparation for the date. Knowing what conversation topics to bring up during moments of silence can create a sense of comfort and security. 

Regardless of the practice and preparation leading up to the date, there will inevitably be factors that are out of our control. There could be times that feel awkward, lulls in conversation, or moments where your anxiety increases. All of these moments can be scary. In those times, try not to be so hard on yourself. No date or person is perfect! If your anxiety feels uncomfortable, excuse yourself and take some time to get grounded. Instead of feeling bad in those moments, try taking it as an opportunity to use the skills you have been working on! 

Do your struggles with social anxiety get in the way of dating and connecting? Working with a therapist can help you to build confidence and find connection. Book a free consultation with myTherapyNYC to find out more about our therapists and their specialities.

What skills have you found helpful to decrease your social anxiety? Join the conversation in the comments below!