Coparenting after divorce can be very difficult for both children and parents. There may be mixed feelings surrounding child support, custody, and divorce that linger long after a judgment is granted. These complicated emotions can affect parents’ ability to see what is in their children’s best interest. It is important for parents to understand how conflict between them may affect their children’s growth, security, and wellbeing regardless of their age. Oftentimes parents do not know how to create this new dynamic for their children in a way that is healthy and sustainable. The following are tips to raise emotionally and mentally resilient children, while still maintaining boundaries within a co-parenting relationship.
Explain the process of coparenting after divorce to your children
Children will need a space to express feelings of fear, guilt, blame, or anger in a safe way. Divorce can be a lifelong change for them and not a one-time event they will adjust to quickly. Provide children with answers to their questions, along with reassurance. Discuss changes the children can expect when you being co-parenting after the divorce. Allow for open discussion and ask what they would like to see in the new family dynamic.
When applicable, create dialogues about remarrying and parental romantic relationships. If possible, have these conversations with both parents and the child. Doing so can provide the child with security and comfort knowing that their parents can come together for them in times of need.
Children should not be involved in conflicts of the divorce
Often, reasons for divorce are extremely painful. Some of these reasons include infidelity, instability, or emotional abandonment. Parents may find it hard to contain residual anguish when interacting with each other. When coparenting after divorce, it is important to keep children away from disagreements or residual conflict. Children are not able to determine if a conflict is about their parents, about them, or because of them. Ultimately, results of this confusion can lead to insecure attachment, inability to regulate emotions, fear, anxiety, depression, or other maladaptive behaviors.
Read more about child attachment styles
Effective co-parents support and stick to agreements on how to raise their children
Many divorce proceedings include custody and child support negotiations and agreements. There is often ambiguity surrounding time spent with each parent, education, medical care, financial support. Generally, the practice is to develop an agreement that works for the children.
Areas of the agreement can include meal structure, bedtimes, homework requirements, dietary needs, and any other area to establish consistency between parents. Doing this provides security for children knowing their parents will provide a united level of care and support. If circumstances change and the agreement needs to be revisited, create room for dialogue and possible compromise.
Maintain respect for each other and support parental roles
Respect is a pillar of co-parenting. Divorce may cause parents to lose respect for each other. Inability to respect the other parent fosters an environment for children to develop negative views or feelings. These feelings can be projected towards others like friends, family members, or teachers. Even with different parenting styles, respecting and supporting each other will model for children’s healthy relationships and counter feelings of guilt or shame surrounding their parents’ divorce. Parents may not like each other, but they must understand the crucial impact they have on a child’s emotional health and development.
Seek mediation or therapy in times of unresolvable conflict
The reality is parents may not agree on everything. Differing cultures, values, lifestyles, and careers can influence co-parenting agreements. So, what happens now? Seeking mediation allows a third party to facilitate discussions. Mediators are unbiased and have experience working with individuals seeking resolution outside of court. When successful, mediation may eliminate the need for litigation, keeping disagreements and negotiations at a lower cost.
How children might respond
Sometimes when agreements have been established and lifestyles have evolved from divorce, children may harmfully respond. Grief is often This can include failing in school, bullying, getting into physical altercations, withdrawing from loved ones, or misbehaving with parents and siblings. If these behaviors are occurring, it may not be a result of improper co-parenting, but an inability to adjust to the transition from divorce.
Read more about how big life transitions impact mental health
Seeking help
Individual therapy allows space and support for children to process emotions. They can speak to a therapist about things they may not feel comfortable speaking to their parents about. Therapists can in-tern provide parents with skills and tools to emotionally support their children. Dynamics between the family as a unit may experience a shift. Family therapy supports cohesion and unity within the family dynamic. Family therapy is not only for biological parents. Single parents, stepparents, blended families and even grandparents can all benefit from family therapy.
Many of us get married and have children without the intention of experiencing a permanent rupture within the marriage. As adults, we often look to family and friends to help process these experiences. However, children can get caught in the middle of the rupture, and may find it difficult to find support and comfort if their parents are at odds. When co-parenting after divorce, be honest, keep children out of conflicts, stick to agreements, be respectful, and seek help. Know that you do not have to be a perfect parent to be the parent your child needs.
Are you interested in seeking support around coparenting? Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists would be a good fit for you!
What are your tips for navigating co-parenting after divorce? Join the discussion in the comments below!
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11 comments
Amazing and informative article! As someone who is currently struggling to successfully co parent, this article was helpful in validating the challenges while also providing a reminder about the importance of respect on a basic level. Thank you for this article Christina!
Seeking therapy as an adult is already tough enough with some, so imaging it for your child/children could be a different world of hurt. Reading information like this on the topic and providing an invitation to seek assistance can help families take a much needed frist step. The long term benefits of therapy can help bridge a gap with some families that might be in need of these services. Thank you for providing an avenue for families to travel on while their on their own journey towards mental health.
Seeking support at a crucial life changing even can be very difficult especially when you bring children into the mix. This has been very useful and informative on what to expect and provides guidance which is imperative with something like a divorce. I will definitely be sharing this information with family and friends.
Thank you for this article. I am a child of divorced parents and thankfully my parents divorce wasn’t an issue for me. However as a teacher I encounter many students dealing with parents going through divorce and I see many of the issues discussed in the article. Thank you for putting a framework of how to approach and talk to my students and parents.
Perfectly said. Very informative and useful. Keep up the good work.
This is very helpful and informative. As a child I never fully understood why my parents weren’t together. As you grow up you learn that your parents always want what’s best for you and the ones that are able to move past previous traumas and put their best foot forward
I really like the perspective from multiple family dynamics, general advice doesn’t help all families that come in all types, sizes and cultures, divorce can break families but it’s doesn’t have to be like that anymore with resources and support growing for these families. Great article keep up the great work!
Great article, that emphasizes the importance of paying attention to your child’s emotional needs.
It’s good to see the focus of the article is the children. Often, parents are so focused on what’s happening to them that they forget about the children.
Christina,
This blog is so well written. One of the parts that really resonated is the following “When applicable, create dialogues about remarrying and parental romantic relationships. If possible, have these conversations with both parents and the child. ” This is needed to create emotional safety for the child (children), and I’m so glad you named it.
That last sentence! Wow! So many times I find myself wondering if I am being the perfect parent, especially in trying to coparent with someone who has a completely different parenting style that I do, but that last sentence hit my soul! It made me realize the I am doing my best and that’s all my child needs, a parent who is there for him no matter what! Thank you for helping me to see that! This article is so informative and helpful in dealing with what steps to take in the painful process of divorce or separation.