Everyone has had the experience of not knowing what to say (or how to listen!) during conflict. Whether it’s with a family member or friend, spouse or significant other, boss or colleague, we’ve all struggled to communicate something amidst a conflict or other confrontation. Next time you’re having a heightened or heated discussion, consider following these three simple steps to make sure you listen and express yourself effectively.
1. ACKNOWLEDGE
Start by acknowledging what you’ve heard. Even when you think you know what someone is telling you, it never hurts to check. This prevents unintentional misunderstandings. Being explicit with a phrase like “What I hear you saying is…” can be particularly effective and helpful. A simple question like “Is that what you meant to say?” can also clarify your own understanding and let the other person know you’re invested in figuring out precisely what they are trying to say.
2. SHARE
In order to share what we’re feeling in the moment, first we have to accurately own our emotions. This can be tough! Challenging conversations often make us first feel angry. However, anger is usually a secondary emotion; it gets in the way of what we are actually feeling. If we can look beneath our anger and discover the feelings of vulnerability that anger often masks (such as sadness, hurt, loneliness, etc.), conversations tend to feel more productive and less charged.
Once we are in touch of how we feel, “I Statements” like “I feel” or “I think” or “It seems to me” are a simple way to show someone else that you are authentically engaged with them. Speaking from the “I” will deescalate confrontation and make it less likely that others feel blamed. Many times, thinking about sharing your “XYZ”—“When you do x, I feel y, because it means z to me”— can be a straightforward formula for communicating your thoughts and feelings.
3. COMPROMISE
Ultimately, the goal of any conversation is to reach a compromise position and move on. Expressing that goal by asking “How can we move forward from this?” or by stating “I think we could get past this by…” will help wrap up your communication in a way that makes everyone feel heard and understood.
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