Being accused of racism is uncomfortable, especially for white people who haven’t examined how their identity influences interactions and relationships. When being called “racist“, it is natural to feel a range of emotions, from defensiveness to guilt, shame, or even confusion at a given response from another person or group. What is important is to recognize both the feelings in yourself and the impact you might have had on others. We should do this no matter how unintentional the named racist remark or action might have been. How a person responds to this kind of accusation can make a powerful difference. You can repair any potential harm but also in strengthen your resilience to withstand social feedback. It build an understanding of how a person can become an unwilling part of a racist social system.
White people often aren’t taught how deeply racism shapes us, so we instinctively defend ourselves when it’s pointed out. We feel deeply uncomfortable when others call out behavior we don’t realize we’re enacting. But responding defensively or with anger doesn’t move us toward understanding or change. It’s a signal that we need to take a step back, reflect on what’s happening, and take responsibility for biases. Here’s how we can do that:
Pause and Reflect: Acknowledge Your Reactions
When someone accuses us of being racist, it’s natural to feel defensive. This reaction is part of a psychological mechanism called “ego defense.” We instinctively protect ourselves from thoughts or feedback that threaten our self-image. However, responding defensively can make us appear dismissive, uncaring, or resistant to growth. If we let this reaction take over, we risk dismissing their feelings, shutting down dialogue, and avoiding the chance to grow.
So what can we do instead? The first step is to pause, breathe, and check in with ourselves: What am I feeling right now? Recognizing that feeling defensive doesn’t mean we’re inherently bad, it just means that we’ve been conditioned to protect our identity and sense of self from personal attack by others. Most of us (myself included) have a hard time just “sitting in my feelings.” Looking for ways to avoid or distract ourselves from uncomfortable feelings is the first line of defense for us. But the interesting thing is that when we listen to our feelings we learn what is actually wrong. The feelings we experience provide knowledge that can guide us in moving forward and repair any wrong we have done. When we move with our feelings (positive or negative) we can construct new meanings for our actions and become better versions of ourselves.
Lean into Dialogue
Gordon Allport, a social psychologist, proposed the contact hypothesis, which suggests that engaging in meaningful interactions across racial groups can help reduce prejudice. Allport introduced the world to the concept of “contact hypothesis”, in his 1954 seminal work, The Nature of Prejudice. In it, Allport posits that meaningful interaction across groups can reduce prejudice as it encourages empathy, understanding, and cooperation (Pettigrew, 2005).
If you find yourself accused of racism, consider this an invitation to engage in dialogue and seek a deeper understanding of perspectives and experiences that may differ from your own. So when we’re accused of racism, rather than withdrawing or becoming defensive, we have a powerful opportunity to engage in dialogue with those who we may have harmed, and hopefully strengthen the relationship from a place of willful understanding. This is a form of reparative racialized contact. Rather than seeing accusations as personal attacks, we can view them as invitations to understand another person’s experience. These moments do not need to be confrontational—they can be opportunities to listen, learn, and reflect on the perspectives we may not fully understand. When we make the effort to engage with humility, we create space for healing and growth.
When accusations arise, it’s easy to feel misunderstood, but remember that engaging in constructive contact with others who do not share your racial (or other) identities can expand your awareness of the issues at hand and the unconscious biases we all carry. This does not mean denying your feelings; rather, on the contrary—it is a proactive approach to learning from them.
Recognize Implicit Bias Without Shame
Research shows that all of us carry implicit biases —automatic and unconscious associations we make about people based on their race, gender, or other characteristics. Acknowledging this does not make us bad people; it makes us human. In fact, it is part of recognizing how we have all been shaped by social systems that privilege certain identities over others.
Gordon Allport’s work reminds us that biases often stem from broader social stereotypes, not individual failings. Recognizing this can help you approach an accusation of racism with a learning mindset rather than an adversarial one. When someone points out that something you said or did was offensive or racially insensitive, ask yourself if there’s an underlying bias you hadn’t noticed before. This can be a moment for reflection: Is this an opportunity to examine an assumption I’ve made unconsciously? By framing it as an internal growth opportunity, you can reframe the accusation as a moment of personal development rather than as a personal attack.
Get Curious
As the saying goes, “We don’t know, what we don’t know.” So, to better equip ourselves to face racism, we should do our best to learn about how it can “show up” in our lives in ways that do not necessarily offend or hurt others….
If we want to understand more about race and racism, we should approach conversations with curiosity and humility. Asking questions, seeking clarification, and staying open to learning will help us navigate these difficult moments in a way that promotes mutual respect and growth rather than defensiveness and stagnation.
Respond to Being Called Racist with Empathy
If you’re accused of being racist, consider resisting the urge to dismiss or minimize the other person’s feelings and lived experiences of racial trauma in a radicalized society. Even if you disagree with their interpretation of your actions. Responding with empathy is key. Practice active listening—make an effort to understand their perspective on why they believed calling you out for being racist, without rushing to explain ourselves or defend our actions.
Accepting the possibility that their perspective could be correct can help us recover feedback to learn from a living mistake. The first step is to validate their feelings by acknowledging their perspective without necessarily conceding guilt. For example, you might say: “I’m sorry that my words or actions made you feel this way. That wasn’t my intention, but I’d like to understand more about what I can do differently.” This shows that you’re open to learning and improving, and it validates the other person’s feelings without automatically conceding guilt. It’s about creating space for honest conversation, not trying to “win” the exchange. A commitment to learning fosters resilience. It helps prevent similar situations from arising in the future.
Engage in Self-Education and Reflection
Racism is not something we’ll fully understand overnight. That’s why it’s essential to continually educate ourselves about the roots of prejudice and systemic oppression. We need to seek out books, documentaries, workshops, and conversations that can help us confront our own biases and expand our understanding.
Allport believed that understanding the roots of prejudice was a vital first step to overcoming it. In this spirit, consider investing time in self-education. There are many resources available today on systemic racism, implicit bias, and cultural competence. Books, articles, and workshops on these topics can enhance your understanding and help you identify and dismantle biases you may not even realize you hold. You might even consider journaling or reflecting on the incident later. Ask yourself questions like: Why did I feel this way? Are there stereotypes I unknowingly hold? What can I do differently next time? A commitment to learning fosters resilience and helps prevent similar situations from arising in the future. This kind of self-reflection will help us grow and change in meaningful ways so that we can avoid repeating the same mistakes and contribute to creating a more equitable world.
Embrace the Opportunity to Grow
Being accused of being racist is never easy for anyone, especially for white people who may not yet be fully aware of how our racialized socialization has shaped our own lives. Rather than feeling defensive or ashamed, we can use this moment as an opportunity to grow, learn, and improve ourselves. By embracing the principles of empathy, self-awareness, and a willingness to embrace oftentimes difficult feedback from others, we can move past our initial discomfort and use these moments to foster deeper connections and understanding.
By incorporating Gordon Allport’s insights into the nature of prejudice and applying concepts from social psychology, you can respond to being called racist with resilience and make strides in both your personal development and in fostering a more inclusive world around you. Remember, the journey toward greater understanding and sensitivity is lifelong—and it’s okay to make mistakes as long as we’re willing to learn from them. Ultimately, the goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress. We can’t avoid making mistakes, but we can choose to learn from them.This is an ongoing journey, one that requires commitment, humility, and compassion. But it’s a journey that can lead to a more just and inclusive world for everyone. While being accused of racism is never easy, it doesn’t have to end in conflict or shame. Instead, use this moment as a stepping stone toward growth, empathy, and a deeper understanding of yourself and others.
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How have you used being called out as an opportunity to learn? Join the conversation in the comments below!
- Responding Not Reacting: How to Respond When Called Racist - April 17, 2025
