Family of origin stories and family relationship patterns are often the focus in therapy sessions. A common theme with clients who have an aging or sick parent is coping with the ways these events can change the relationship. Clients with aging or sick parents struggle to balance their own lives and careers with caring for their parents. They also share the stress that accompanies a shift in the parent child relationship when parents age, begin to face illness, and physical or emotional decline. This dynamic, and how a person responds, obviously varies from person to person and from one relationship to another.
What seems to be consistent across those conversations, however, is the challenge and adjustment accompanying shifting child and parent relationships. The parent they’d previously known becomes less recognizable. While clients in this position often feel anger, frustration and sadness, they often also experience guilt over these feelings. In an effort to allay guilt and allow us to connect with the range of emotions we may experience, it’s important to give attention to the following:
Role Reversal
As our parent(s) age, we may find our role with them shifting from being taken care of to being the caretaker. It can be difficult to accept that a parent has become more dependent on you and less emotionally available. Additionally, changes you have made and family issues you’ve addressed in your life may not have been addressed or explored by a parent. It can be common for adult children to face and resolve family issues in therapy or in their own lives. Recognizing that a parent has not addressed old patterns and ineffective ways of relating may shift the responsibility to the child to role model new and better behaviors. As we become more aware of our wants and needs in our relationships, we may have to teach our parents how to be the parents we need.
Acknowledge Feelings of Loss
Aging and illness can make our parents less available to us and they may, in fact, demand more from us. The emotional or physical decline may present us with a version of a parent who is less capable, less engaged and less resilient than we’ve known. These changes are often accompanied by feelings of loss and loss can lead to feelings of anger, fear, and sadness. Accepting one’s parents as they now require us to grieve the way they used to be. We may need to reconfigure our way of relating to an aging or ill parent. We can explore different ways of connecting that acknowledge who they are now and how they are changing.
Read more: 5 Ways for Coping with Grief and Loss
The Burden of Responsibility
Changing parent-child relationship dynamics may require a change in our lifestyle, financial support, increased visits/travel, or living together. New responsibilities may emerge as parents age or face illness. This may require a change in our lifestyle, focus, and expenses. Planning ahead, creating a budget for new expenses, coordinating with other siblings or family members, and seeking emotional support can ease the burden of responsibility.
Aging is an inevitability. Physical and emotional decline and illness are common experiences in aging and can impact our lives and relationships in many ways. The impact can be particularly challenging in the parent and child relationship. As parents age, face illness, and decline, we may be faced with unresolved family issues, need to take on new and different responsibilities, and perhaps lose part of the whole person they once were. We will likely face a range of emotions and adjustments. If we can take time to acknowledge and experience our emotions we may create more capacity to adapt to these changes.
What do you feel are other important ways to cope with a changing parent and child relationship as parents age or face illness? Write your ideas in the comments below.
- Navigating Hesitation About Starting Therapy [Video] - August 27, 2020
- How to Adjust to the Changing Parent and Child Relationship - April 5, 2019
- Avoiding Burnout in Your Work Life - December 14, 2018
5 comments
This is so helpful, Glenn. Thank you for highlighting a topic that many people avoid talking about. Accepting that parents will age and may need the support of their children is frightening for the parent and the child. The point that sticks out of me the most is the acceptance of unresolved family issues, as it can truly be challenging to care for a parent when you have some resentment towards them due to unresolved conflict. I strongly believe that if we allow ourselves to see our parents as people outside the societal norm of parenting, it may be easier to cope with the unresolved issues. I think this shift in perception will set the stage for healthy care giving to our aging parents. Great blog!
I really appreciate this post, Glenn. This topic comes up with clients – and friends – so often. Navigating our relationships with aging or declining parents can impact our lives in such profound ways. I particularly appreciate your point about giving space to grieve the loss of the way the relationship used to be. It can be hard to notice this as a loss, especially if the change is gradual, so I think it’s so important to really honor that and give ourselves space to mourn. One additional strategy that could be helpful (acknowledging that this is not feasible for all families) is to to attend some family therapy sessions together.
This is such an important topic, Glenn. A lot of difficult feelings can come up around parents aging. Some of them, like feeling the roles reverse or feeling burdened by responsibility, can be difficult to talk about. I love that your post validates these challenges. Another idea I have is to find small ways to spend quality time together. I know when any relationship is facing a challenging time, quality time can be an important buffer from feelings of resentment. Thanks for writing this Glenn!
This is a such an important blog, because it addresses something that so many people face. I know a lot of people can be taken by surprise by the challenging situations that come with taking care of aging parents and that some of the feelings that come up through these experiences can be extremely difficult. This post does a great job of putting these challenges in perspective and acknowledging that the caretakers need to take care of themselves too. Another way to cope in this time is to seek out the support of others who are going through (or have gone through) the same thing. Talking to friends or finding a support group can help you find a place to express these difficult feelings without guilt. Thanks for writing this post, Glenn!
What a great blog! This really helps someone to navigate their changing relationship with parents. What I especially appreciate is your point about the burden of responsibility, and I think what comes to my mind as another coping strategy is making sure to have our own self-care routine and create time for yourself while taking care of the parents.