Concerned About Your Sex Drive? 5 Things to Ask Yourself

Sex is one of life’s pleasures that we all deserve to experience, and can be a healthy part of our lives whether we are single or in a relationship, practicing monogamy or identify elsewhere on the non-monogamous spectrum. We live in a world where sex is seemingly everywhere in media – movies, television and advertisements to name a few, but in a paradoxical twist, many of us carry a lot of uncertainty about our own sex drives.

We may find ourselves asking questions like, “Am I having enough sex?” or “Why is my sexual desire lower than what it was last week, month or year?” Sometimes, these concerns can become anxieties that cause our heads to spiral, activate shame or create tension and distance in our intimate relationships. There is an important connection between mental health and sexuality, so if you find yourself with concerns about your sex drive, here are 5 things to ask yourself.

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What Determines a “Normal” Sex Drive?

Often, when we are making an observation about our own sex drives, we may find ourselves making comparisons with other people, whether it be friends, popular culture or social media. In a culture where sexual education can be lacking, it is unsurprising that we look to other sources to determine what “normal” should look like. Conversations around “body count” (aka the number of people you have had sex with) can bring up feelings of insecurity and/or shame, regardless of whether the number is “too high” or “too low.” 

But is there a goldilocks number? Research shows that there are several factors that influence the number of sexual partners we have in our lifetime, including our gender and sexual identities, social and cultural factors and our religious/spiritual beliefs. That is to say, a religious heterosexual man’s “body count” may look entirely different than a queer woman’s; and yet both could be considered “normal.” Because much of the research relies on self-reporting, we also have to acknowledge that this data may not be painting the full picture, as folks may experience shame when this question is asked, leading them to inaccurately report their full sexual history.

Perhaps then, we should look not to external sources, but do our own internal reflection on what feels right to us. By removing ourselves from the competition mindset, we may be able to better tap into the way sex makes us feel, regardless of whether it’s “too little” or “too much.”

Is Something Wrong If I Have a Low Sex Drive? 

You had a lot of sexual desire last month. This month, you notice a huge decrease in your libido. What gives? One of the other challenges of determining a “normal” sex drive is that it isn’t a static, hard-wired component; it changes with time and with other factors. A common myth is that our sex drives progress on an upward trajectory, starting in adolescence, climbing up towards a peak in our mid-years before beginning a descent. Biology indeed plays a role, as production of hormones like testosterone and estrogen can diminish over time. However, it’s more helpful to think of our sex drives as fluid, and they may ebb and flow over time. When we utilize this framework, we can work towards viewing any fluctuations in our sex drive with curiosity, not judgement, and with that curiosity, we can work to make changes.

Read more about how sex drive changes over time.

Sex drives can also change over the span of time within a relationship. At the beginning of a relationship, many experience a “honeymoon phase” where sexual attraction is high and sexual activity is frequent. Sometimes, as the relationship progresses, the amount of sex may decrease, which may cause concern around whether the relationship itself is at risk. It’s important to normalize this shift, while also opening up communication with your partner in these moments, and being intentional about creating opportunities for connection and intimacy.

Should I Be Concerned If I Have a High Sex Drive?

For many folks, a low sex drive brings up feelings of concern and anxiety, but what about those who are concerned about having a high sex drive? Sex can be a highly regulating activity where we can relieve stress, feel good about ourselves, and increase connection in our interpersonal relationships. Some may notice that, when their lives are stressful, they seek out sex with a higher frequency, which may cause some concern.

Again, it is helpful to view these shifts with a curious mind, instead of rushing to judgment. Utilizing sex as a coping tool can be done in a healthy, productive manner, but it shouldn’t be the only one in your toolbox. If you’re finding yourself overly consumed with finding sex or skipping responsibilities such as work or other social obligations to have sex, you may be over-relying on it as a coping mechanism. It may be helpful to identify the source of anxiety and to utilize a variety of stress-management techniques to better cope with the origins of stress.

Other Factors Impacting Sex Drive

We also have to recognize that what happens outside of the bedroom can influence our desires inside of the bedroom. Factors such as work responsibilities, tension in our relationships, and experiencing grief can all impact our sex drives in ways that may feel frustrating. While some may try to compartmentalize these different aspects of their lives, we often see the impacts of stress or anxiety in one domain of our lives spread into others. We may have trouble sleeping, stray away from our wellness routines, or seek to isolate ourselves, all of which can impact our sex drives. In these moments, it is helpful to slow down and zoom out, identify and acknowledge these feelings in the present, and remember that sexuality is fluid. A low sex drive today does not equate to a low sex drive forever!

Additionally, it’s important to recognize that many medications may cause a decrease in sex drive. SSRIs, a class of medication that can be used in treatment for anxiety and/or depression, can reduce sex drive, as well as impact arousal and ability to achieve orgasm. This can be frustrating for individuals who feel like they have to give up enjoying sex to take care of their mental well-being. It is important to find a way to communicate any sexual concerns to your medication prescriber, who may be able to work with you on finding the right dose and medication that balances symptom relief with sexual side effects.

What If I Still Have Sex Drive Concerns? 

Because many of us connect the amount of sex we are (or aren’t) having with our desirability and self-worth, discussing concerns around our sex drives can bring about feelings of judgment and shame. However, this is where working with a sex-informed therapist can be helpful. We work with individuals and couples to understand how they have formed their values around sex, provide context around all of the factors that may influence their sex drives, and help them to stay curious about their sexual desires in a safe and comforting environment.

Additionally, therapists are trained to provide techniques and tools for clients to be able to understand their sex drives, as well as exercises for them to explore their sexuality. For example, a therapist can help clients explore nonsexual and physical touch within their relationship as a way to reduce pressure around having sex, while still creating ways for intimacy and connection.

Read more about nonsexual touch.

When we find ourselves concerned about whether our sex drives are too much or too little, finding ways to communicate these concerns, whether it’s with your partner, your friends, or a therapist, can do wonders for normalizing the fluid state of our sex drives. We all deserve to experience sex and all of its wonderful pleasures, whatever that looks like for you.