What comes to mind when you think of ambivalence? For many it can have a negative connotation: fence sitting, indecisiveness, confusion, contradiction. It implies you know what you have to do, but you just can’t decide or make up your mind.
However, the definition of ambivalence is simpler: it means having strong mixed feelings about a person, object or behavior. If you think about any of the important decisions you’ve had to make – getting involved in a relationship, pursuing a job, changing a behavior to improve health – it’s likely you’ve experienced some ambivalence about taking action. Here are two ways to work with your ambivalence that can help with change:
1. Change the “But” to “And”
Instead of viewing ambivalence as an obstacle that keeps you “stuck”, it’s possible to own both the positive and negative feelings about the specific change you’re wanting to make. For example, someone struggling to lose weight might think, “I want to lose weight but I love to eat”. Someone looking to cut back on drinking might say, “I should probably drink less, but all my friends are drinkers”. Someone wanting to be less angry might say, “I need to control my temper, but I don’t want people to take advantage of me”.
Now for each of those thoughts, change the “but” to an “and”:
• “I want to lose weight AND I love to eat”
• “I should probably drink less AND all my friends are drinkers”
• “I need to control my temper AND I don’t want people to take advantage of me”
2. Weigh the Pros & Cons
This change now makes both sides of the thought equally important to thinking about changing, one being a statement of motivation and the other a consideration to plan for. Make a list with two columns with one is for motivators (like “I want to lose weight” or “I should drink less”. For each point ask a question that goes deeper, such as “Why is this an issue for you?” or “What are some reasons to make this change?”
For the other column, ask yourself questions about how to address these points, i.e. “What do you see as having to change about that?” or “If your change were completely successful, how would it look?” If we look at both sides as pros and cons, then it’s possible to weigh the arguments for change as if on a scale. The goal is to eventually “tip the balance” in favor of positive reasons for change to outweigh the reasons to not change. In this way, you begin to consolidate motivation to move forward to the next stage and begin to plan effective change.
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