Grief remains one of the most intriguing and elusive elements of the human experience. Though it is guaranteed that we’ll suffer loss in our lives, how we grieve can be incredibly unique and personal. Understanding grief can help us process our own grief, empathize with others, and engage with loss in a meaningful way.
What is Grief?
A clear and agreed-upon definition of grief is difficult to come by. Since grief is so wide-ranging and unique, stating grief as a defined process or experience is challenging. One commonality in grief is that of loss. The human experience of losing something often comes with an emotional, physiological, and psychological reaction, which is often labeled as grief.
Another way of defining grief is through one’s ability to adapt to and cope with loss. The loss we experience throughout life is varied and has varying impacts on our life. Our attempt to adapt to the change accompanying loss may be described as our grief experience. In fact, there are direct studies that indicate that our ability to adapt to loss over time is directly correlated to our acute and long term stress response to loss. In simpler terms, our experience of adapting to a loss is in some ways the purpose of the grief experience itself.
This all may sound quite scientific for an experience that is so personal and emotional. Let’s simplify it further if we can.
Grief seems to connect to loss and how we cope with it. But what about the emotional component? This may be one of the trickiest to define. Clearly grief does have an emotional component. You could even argue—and many do—that grief is an emotion in and of itself, or at the very least, is clearly connected to several core emotions. In most cases, when grief is defined in terms of an emotional experience, does seem to be connected to or mimic feelings of sorrow, despair, and sadness. Has this always been the definition? Hardly! Our understanding of grief has and will continue to change over time.
Evolution of Grief
Though major advancements in the study of grief have taken place in psychological and neuroscientific communities over the last 100 years, the history of grief is still poorly understood. It is hard to imagine grief not being a major part of life dating back to our earliest days of civilization. Oftentimes, connection defines the human experience. Connection to others, to identities, and to our environments make up much of human history. Connection, and thus loss of connection, remains a major component of the human experience today.
Most humans will experience some form of loss in their life. In fact in a recent survey, nearly 60% of Americans said they had experienced a major loss in just the last three years. Though common, grief and loss is often shrouded in vagueness, spoken of only in euphemism, and defined only by our grief reaction to death. Yet, grief over the death and loss of loved ones is not the only form of grief that may impact us. Our understanding of grief continues to evolve and expand, allowing for more discussion around other types of grief as well.
Types of Grief
Since grief connects to loss, types of grief can vary widely. Understanding and managing our grief may be easier if we first recognize what loss we’re grieving.
We may grieve from the loss of a (an):
- Loved family member, friend, colleague, or pet
- Job or career
- An identity or something you value
- Relationships
- Financial stability
- Health
- Aspirations
- Physical or mental ability
- Youth
- Fertility
These forms of losses may manifest themselves in varying types of grief as well. Some types of grief include:
Anticipatory Grief
Grieving a loss before it has occurred.
Abbreviated Grief
Grieving something quickly or moving through the process of grief in a rather short amount of time.
Delayed Grief
Feeling the impact of a loss sometimes days, weeks, months, or even years after the loss occurred.
Inhibited Grief
Grief that we’re unable to identify and/or process so we inhibit ourselves from feeling the effects of the loss we’ve experienced.
Cumulative Grief
Working through multiple losses at once.
Collective Grief
Grieving that takes place among large groups and communities. For example, those grieving the impact of a natural disaster or war.
Just as it may be important for us to understand what grief is, defining what type of grief we’re experiencing, and identifying what type of loss we’re grieving, may help us better understand why we grieve.
Why We Grieve
Grieving is a necessary part of the healing and adjustment process to loss. Grieving allows us to honor the significant of what we have lost and gradually adjust to a world altered by an absence. Through grief, we acknowledge the pain of separation while also preserving the memories and connections that endure beyond a physical or emotional presence. Grief clearly has a connection to how our brain and the rest of our body reacts to a loss, but still relatively little is known about the biology around grief and loss.
What we do have more research on is how grief can serve as a catalyst for growth and transformation. Grief may prompt us to experience a range of emotions (Kubler-Ross is famous for naming the stages of grief, though this is often misunderstood) and encourages us to reflect on the meaning of life, the nature of love, and the fragility of existence, fostering a deeper understanding of ourselves and our place in the world.
Ultimately, grief is a testament to the depth of the human experience, reminding us of our capacity to love and hope deeply and to endure even in the face of profound loss. We embark on a journey marked by sorrow and healing, resilience and hope, as we gradually integrate the reality of our loss into the fabric of our lives.
What Now?
Discussing grief and the impact it has on our lives can be difficult. Seeking out therapy during a time of loss can be one way of understanding how our personal dealings with grief may be impacting our life. Though we may be able to look at why we grieve, there is no simple answer to how we grieve. As Julia Forsythia writes in Permission to Grieve: Creating Grace, Space, & Room to Breathe in the Aftermath of Loss, “Just like no two losses are alike, no two griefs are alike, either.”
Finding our purpose in grieving is an exploration into how and why we connect with others. It’s an emotional journey that challenges our notion of self, life, and loss. Knowing why we grieve may provide us some comfort in the difficult experience of loss.
Are you interested in exploring the purpose of grief in therapy? Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists would be a good fit for you!
How do you believe grief is misunderstood? Join the conversation in the comments below!
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