More than 2000 years ago, Aristotle said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” On the surface, it seems contradictory to conclude that we must look inward to learn about the world around us. However, through the task of self-discovery, we may truly understand our own identity, allowing us to navigate life with authenticity and purpose, and laying the foundation for satisfaction and well-being. While identity formation takes place across the lifespan, adolescence is the quintessential time of self-discovery – that period of life when we become old enough to begin to deeply question who we are, but before the full thrust of life’s adult responsibilities become priority, and distraction! So, how can we support identity development in the adolescents and young adults in our lives, setting them up for a future of life satisfaction, wellbeing, and wisdom?
Stages of Development
Psychosocial development is a process that begins in the womb and continues throughout our lives. Each stage of life, therefore, brings its unique challenges and achievements. Some of these are met and mastered on our individual time frames, such as learning to drive a car or switching careers. However, there are stages of life during which certain opportunities to grow and develop will typically occur for most people. Famed psychoanalyst Erik Erikson identified eight stages of psychosocial development and suggested that successful completion of each stage results in the acquisition of traits and characteristics that support a robust and healthy sense of self and mental wellbeing.
Stages of Development
According to Erikson’s stages of development, children in their first year of life, for example, will achieve what he called trust versus mistrust, in which a baby learns that he can trust others by having his basic needs consistently met by his caregivers. This is a straightforward stage of parenting in which we intuitively respond to babies when they cry, giving them food, dry clothes, or comfort. As children leave the baby stage, they will be tasked to master challenges that develop their independence, initiative, and self-confidence. Parents support these stages by encouraging their children to play, to make age-appropriate choices, and to navigate age- age-appropriate challenges on their own.
Read more positive parenting tips here.
Once they reach the adolescence stage, between the ages of 12 to 18 years old, children will face the conflict in Erikson’s stages of development called identity versus confusion. At this stage, as you may remember from your own adolescent years, teenagers begin to exhibit signs of identity development. You might have noticed the teenagers in your life begin to experiment with different personas, activities, roles, dress, and behaviors. This is the process of developing identity and direction in life. This is the stage that teenagers begin to wonder, “Who am I?” They will begin to recognize their strengths, their values, their motivations, and their unique sense of self.
The Importance of Identity Development
So, why is this so important? Our sense of self is informed by our experiences, education, gender, race, personality, sexuality, appearance, social groups, values, and more. While identity development is lifelong, it’s crucial during adolescent years when teenagers are preparing to enter the world as adults. Identity is how we understand ourselves. Self-awareness is the launch pad for how we understand and interact successfully with the world around us, as Aristotle suggested.
Knowing our strengths and weaknesses provides us with an informed blueprint to set goals. It gives us a sense of direction and motivation to achieve them. A strong sense of identity lays the foundation for forming meaningful connections and healthy relationships. It enables us to understand and communicate our needs and boundaries. We can recognize when those needs are not being met. Understanding ourselves helps us to remember and make choices based on our values and goals. It keeps us steady during confusing and uncertain times. A strong sense of identity helps us to stay true to ourselves instead of conforming to the expectations of others. This is crucial during the teenage years when adolescents are naturally motivated to fit in with their peers. A strong sense of identity can mitigate the tendency to conform to the opinions that others may have of us.
How to Support Your Child's Sense of Identity
Identity formation is subjective and personal, and it can also be daunting and confusing. That old teenager trope of exerting independence and demanding privacy serves an important purpose. They are pulling away from you because they need to know that they can navigate life on their own terms. Adolescents’ social circles often heavily influence them. Even as they determine their own sense of self, it is important to try different roles within different peer groups to continue to understand themselves and figure out how and where they fit in larger society. So, how can we help -and avoid unintentionally hurting – this process of identity development in adolescents?
Accept your child’s experience.
Acceptance from caregivers and mentors builds trust and is crucial as teens navigate simultaneously differentiating themselves and fitting in. Feeling accepted and valued by peers, as well as important adults, can support self-esteem and the formation of a strong, positive identity. The conflicts often inherent in adolescent peer groups can give teens the opportunity to broaden their own identity and develop conflict resolution and repair skills. Guidance from an accepting and trusted adult can be a welcome resource as adolescents learn these skills necessary in adulthood.
Get curious
Show your teenager that you want to understand their experiences before you correct them or judge them. When a teen approaches you with a problem, asking him to tell you more about how he feels about it instead of interrupting, correcting, or judging his dilemma fosters a safe, connected relationship and encourages him to turn inwards for answers, fostering self-efficacy and self-trust. As the caregiver, your job still involves providing rules and boundaries around risky or inappropriate behaviors, but even with that in mind, leading with genuine curiosity will ensure that you remain connected, with greater access to their inner world, to model acceptance, and provide guidance.
Encourage Exploration, Self-Reflection, and Critical Thinking
One way to do this is to model it yourself and leave room for them to do the same. Normalize your ongoing identity development by permitting yourself to explore new interests and needs. Normalize the difficulties of this stage of life by sharing age-appropriate stories about times you felt challenged or confused during your adolescent years and how you successfully- or unsuccessfully- navigated those challenges. Build trust and reduce shame around inevitable struggles further by normalizing mistakes as part of the process.
Encouraging exploration and self-reflection can give young adults space and permission to fully consider the values, beliefs, or roles that pique their interest, and to rely on their own inner compasses and critical thinking skills to authentically choose which traits to lean into and which to leave behind. Remind them that their uniqueness can be what makes them a complementary and valued member of the right social groups, not necessarily what sets them apart or divides them from their peers. Let them know you are genuinely interested in their experiences in this process and that you believe they already have what it takes to figure out who they are.
Building a Life Well-Lived
As Aristotle’s words suggest, humans have been philosophizing for thousands of years about how a strong identity supports a life well-lived. When we truly know ourselves, we can trust ourselves to navigate life’s challenges with intention and authenticity, to stay aligned with our goals, to have the bravery necessary to try something new, and to have the resilience required to successfully recover from times of struggle. We can support identity development in adolescents to help them grow their sense of self-esteem, self-efficacy, and the internal motivation necessary to navigate life’s challenges and make choices aligned with their values and goals. Connect with your teens and their inner experiences instead of how they are presenting to the outside world at each moment. This is how they learn that who they are and what they feel matters more than what they achieve or look like at every step of life.
Read more about being a good enough parent.
Curious about exploring parenting in therapy? Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists would be a good fit for you!
How have you supported your children’s development through the different stages of their lives? Join the conversation in the comments below!
1 comment
Great article! Thorough and helpful! I can’t wait to read your next publication!