“Just be you!” everyone says, “and friends and romance will find you.” But what do you do when “you” includes kinks and fetishes that most people don’t have, or find scary, or discriminate against? How do you and your kink community find each other in the sea of vanilla? The answer is pretty straightforward: You will meet YOUR kink people through OTHER kink people. You will be clear to yourself and others what you are looking for. You will go to the places, physical and virtual, where kinky people gather and make friends. Even if THEIR kink is not YOUR kink. And they will help to guide you to YOUR kink community. Let’s walk through it:
Know Your Own Kinks… And Name Them.
What are the things you know excite you? What are the things that shut you down and end the fun? Are there things you find compelling, but aren’t sure of? If there was a recipe you wanted to try, you would go to the store with a good idea of what would go into it. And if you were sending someone else to do the shopping, you would provide them with as clear a list as you could.
The better able you are to articulate what you like to do, what things you want to try, and what things are buzzkills, the easier it will be for other people in the kink community to help.
Yes, I said “for other people to help.”
If you take just one thing from this blogpost, it should be this: The way to meet YOUR kink community people is to meet OTHER kink community people.
People trying to share their kinky dreams with others frequently sabotage themselves by trying to find a match for their kinks without revealing what those actually are. You might do this out of embarrassment or fear. But think about vanilla dating or job hunting. How practical is it to expect the date or the job to be offered if you don’t tell anyone you are looking in the first place?
Kinky people tend to have each other’s backs. They know what it is like to be shunned and shamed for who they are and what they want. If you are clear about what your own needs and desires are, they will usually be happy to help you find what you are looking for.
But how do you start? Where do you find kink community people to network with in the first place? You go where they are:
Where to Meet Kinky People: Online Platforms
Clarity about what you are looking for is critical for kink online community platforms.
The internet is a gateway to so many kink communities and resources. Too many, it can feel like. Technology makes it easy for people to send things out in mass. You may already have had the frustrating experience of being contacted online by people oblivious to even your basic profile. I have a friend whose dating profile is constantly besieged by unsolicited pictures of male genitalia despite a headline identifying her as a lesbian seeking other women.
Your clarity will help others, those who are actually reading and looking, find you among the chaff. The odds improve even more when you are in the right kink online community. Search to find the platforms that cater to your specific kinks, or to kinks broadly. Many platforms are specific to sex, gender, and orientation as well. Here are some of the most useful to know:
Kink Community Social Network Platforms
FetLife is the largest and most important platform for meeting other kink-minded people. A social network, FetLife’s focus is on the kink community, not dating or hook-ups (though you can do that too!). There are profile pages that allow you to share as much about yourself and your life. It also has groups and subgroups so you can find people who share your kinks, find events, and social groups (online and in-person), and kink community resources near you. It has forums and meet-ups online as well. It’s like a giant online munch. (More about munches below.)
The Cage is another popular kink online community focused on BDSM and power exchange. It puts a priority on being welcoming to LGBTQIA+ folk, but people of all orientations and identities are well represented. It has a number of options for live chatting between members, as well as discussion forums and event listings to help you connect to kink community gatherings in real life.
Read here for more on Power Exchange.
Reddit – Subreddits like r/BDSMcommunity or r/kink can be great for learning, sharing experiences, and asking questions anonymously. They can be a place to learn about local meet-ups and meet like-minded people, but they are not the best tool for this. To improve your chances, look for subreddits more narrowly focused on your specific kinks. Then make liberal use of the conversation tools to exchange contact info with the other members so you can move to other channels.
Discord servers – Many BDSM and kink communities operate active Discord channels for real-time chat, support, and education. But you will generally need to be invited to join, making them a better tool for expanding your circle of kinkster friends once you are already a part of a group or kink community.
Dating Apps Best Friendly to the Kink Community
Your clear articulation of what you are looking for will again be helpful. If you are going to go the dating app or site route. Here as well, you will improve your chances you will have better luck by focusing on apps that have a large number of kink community folk on them and/or strong tools for sorting yourself and others by your kink interests. Be mindful, though, that dating apps are famously weak at screening or vetting members to make sure they are real and safe. For advice on how to approach kinky online dating, read here.
Here are a few of these platforms recommended by other kinksters:
Feeld – inclusive of all identities, Feeld includes the kink community specifically as one of its service focus areas. Related named focus communities include non-monogamy, polyamory, threesomes, and “alternative sexual preferences.” This is the most consistently praised site by kink community members at the time of this writing.
KinkD – a Tinder-style app that matches you based on specific fetishes and kinks.
Recon is specifically for kinky men looking for kinky men and is very widely used.
Taimi – is a queer dating app that is very inclusive of identities and sexualities that are not cis-het. While the kink community is not itself a focus, you’ll find plenty of kinky people who are open and accepting.
Fetish.com and Alt.com are two (unaffiliated with each other) conventional dating sites, with the twist being that they focus exclusively on the fetish and kink community.
OkCupid – is a massive vanilla dating site, but with options for sharing and seeking kinks to help you sort among the throngs to find your kink community.
Don’t limit yourself to these sites. Search using specific kinks, regions, or identities, and you’ll find both kink online communities and dating sites that align with your specific kinks and subcultures. For instance, the Barq! app is a kink online community specifically for Furries.
Look for sites that reflect not just your fetishes, but your values and approach to life. I’ve seen a number of kinksters swear they met their kinky play partner on Christian Mingle.
Where to Meet Kinky People: Other Events
We all spend a lot of time online these days. It’s important to remember that the point of connecting with people in kink online communities is to eventually meet and get to know these folks “in real life.” And the very best place to me other kink community people “offline” is at a munch.
A munch is a casual social gathering for people into BDSM, kink, or fetish communities. They are focused on conversation and kink community building. Munches are usually held in public places like restaurants or cafés. Importantly, no sex or fetish play takes place; the gathering is about getting to know other kinky community people as people in a laid-back unthreatening atmosphere.
Beyond munches, local fetish, kink, or just plain sex positive groups often hold:
Workshops and education nights are great for learning about kink community practices. Topics can be mechanical or conceptual, or safety-oriented. Even if you are not very keen on the evening’s subject matter, it is a good place to meet other kink community members and start your networking with your people. (Don’t overlook local sex toy shops for these kinds of events!).
Play parties are kink community events where consensual kinky play is allowed. They are usually held in private spaces or rented clubs. Typically, you have to be vetted first by people involved who have met you at a munch or some other event. They are not usually great places to meet new people, but can be places to get to know people you have already met better.
Conferences, retreats, and hotel buy-outs are large multiday events ideal for more immersive, often identity- or kink-specific experiences.
Another option is to join a local kink community club or social group. Many of them have open attendance events for people interested. Others may require vetting via a munch or other events first.
Finding Munches and Other Events Near You:
The kink online community platforms mentioned above are great places to find out about in-real-life events near you and/or tailored to your interests. For instance, you can filter the events pages on FetLife by city and region.
Meetup.com is another good platform for finding kink-friendly groups and events.
Use Google or some other search engine. Look for things like:
· “[Your city] BDSM munch”
· “[Your city] kink community”
· “[Your city] fetish events”
Many local Kink Community clubs or organizations, or events will have their own websites. For instance, in NYC:
· TES is a NYC metro area organization that holds monthly munches and over 60 other kink community events each year. From board game nights to “lectures, demos, panels, and hands-on workshops.”
· Another group is Hit Me Up, a poly and kink-oriented community, runs “mixers, parties, classes, and more.”
· KnottyNY is a rope bondage social for gay men.
· The Taillor Group is a female-dominance-oriented collective that holds some 50 educational and demonstration events each month.
· MAST is an international organization of people who are interested in lifestyle Power Exchange Relationships and have chapters all over. It has events and activities for members.
A little time on Google should uncover some kink community groups in your area!
Being Clear and Safe
As you meet new people and attend kink community events, clear communication and personal safety should always come first. Here are a few guidelines:
- Be upfront about your boundaries and intentions. You don’t need to please everyone; focus on what feels right to you.
- Ask questions. Most people in the kink community welcome curiosity and will respect honest dialogue about expectations and consent. If the person you are talking to doesn’t, that is a huge red flag; ditch them!
- Vet people. Ask mutual contacts about someone’s reputation. Most kink communities have informal ways of keeping tabs on behavior. Avoid anyone who pressures or dismisses your boundaries. Meet people publicly first, and let friends know where you’re going.
- Use protection and safe words. Even in casual or experimental scenes, take precautions. Your safety and autonomy are non-negotiable.
- Leave if something feels wrong. Trust your gut, whether online or in person. Consent is a continual process, not an event that happens, and it can be revoked at any moment. If at any time you feel like you’re done, you’ve had enough, you want to stop now, then do. It doesn’t matter what you thought you wanted before or asked for or promised or agreed: That was then, this is now and consent is always in the now.
For more advice on staying safe when you are new to this, go here.
Read here for more on exploring your sexuality.
Finding your kink community can take time. You might try a few events before you meet someone who clicks, and that’s okay. What matters is that you are meeting people and being clear about your preferences, your interests, and your boundaries. The kink community is full of welcoming, curious, and supportive people willing to help—you’re not alone in your journey.
Are you interested in exploring kink in therapy? Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists would be a good fit for you!
what places and spaces have you had the most success meeting kinky people?
Join the conversation in the comments below!
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