From a very young age, each of us has been asked the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Instead, I prefer to ask, “Who do you get to be?” This is a more powerful question because our ‘beingness’ is what shapes our ‘doingness.’
Likewise, when we wake up each day, we all are faced with a similar question: do we choose to be our real selves or succumb to what we think others would like us to be? Every day is an opportunity to work on being a more authentic version of ourselves. This means choosing to know who we are and expressing ourselves in a manner that is consistent with our core identity. But authenticity takes practice!
You must first focus on the person that you desire to be. In this process, you may be challenged by self-doubt, shame, and perfectionism. It is easy to get caught up in societal and family expectations that cause you to become fixated on what you are “supposed to be.” Or you may find yourself lost in gender and sexuality norms. In the process, it may be hard to connect to your true inner self.
Authenticity is something we cultivate by paying attention. We must develop awareness of our thoughts, feelings and actions in every situation. It requires that we have the courage to speak up and share our selves with others. We must be vulnerable enough to allow others to see who we really are. Authenticity requires us to be compassionate with ourselves, knowing that we will struggle and make mistakes. It requires us to accept life’s challenges, and to remember that how we handle those challenges shapes who we are, and who we become.
Self-knowledge and self-awareness are the building blocks for authenticity. It means that we are honest about our strengths and weaknesses. We know our values and we stand for those values on a daily basis. Authenticity is a way of being, and a means of connecting in the world that is genuine and real. Ultimately, it is about being you!
So here are some ways to practice embracing your authentic self:
1. Let go of perfectionism: There is a distinction between striving for excellence and being perfect. Perfection is a defense mechanism to keep us from feeling shame. The essence of perfectionism is being more concerned with what others think, instead of focusing on what we want. When we let go of trying to be perfect and focus on doing our best then we are being true to ourselves. (Check out my blog post on “How to Let Go of Perfectionism”)
2. Identify your values and incorporate them in your actions. Knowing what you value will allow you to keep your priorities straight. For example, only when you value responsibility, will you be able to act responsibly. Values are the glue that hold your actions together. They are at the core of who you are and what you stand for. When you clearly identify your values, then your actions will align with the real you.
3. Be courageous enough to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the willingness to take a risk and expose yourself emotionally while enduring the uncertainty of the results. Vulnerability is not a weakness: it takes courage to stand in the presence of another and share what you are feeling intrinsically. Doing this on a regular basis will allow you to connect more deeply with others and increase your authenticity. (Check out my blog post on “Four Steps on Combating Shame.”
4. Practice honesty. Authenticity requires that you say what you mean, and do what you say. Therefore, it is essential that you be honest with yourself about what is going on inside of you. It means that you ask, “is what I am saying true for me?” When you practice honesty in all of your affairs, you will be assured that your actions are in line with your values and speech. You will be in integrity.
5. Trust your intuition. Feelings are your intuitive guidance system. They allow you to connect with the world around you, guide you through difficult times and help you feel what is true for you. When you are able to trust your gut, then you make decisions from a higher place and will be guided to the next right authentic action.
6. Go for connection versus impression. Stop trying to people please everyone! Instead strive for connection with another. We are hardwired for connection and put on this planet to be in relationships with others. When you go for that gentle, compassionate connection with another human being then your authentic self will shine through. Whereas, when you are worried about pleasing someone else then you have stepped out of yourself and away from being real.
Ultimately, when you are authentic, you open yourself to the worthiness and knowledge that you deserve to be connected and live joyfully. If we trade in authenticity for a sense of security and safety, then we play small and risk dealing with anxiety, depression, addiction, anger and grief. Take the risk to embrace the real you each day knowing that you are worth it. Know you are valuable and have a gift to offer the world! I believe you can do it.
Ask yourself the following questions and feel free to comment in the comments section below:
Where do I need to stand up in my life and be seen as my true authentic self?
What is my biggest barrier to being myself and how do I overcome it?
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Live Courageously
How to Let Go of Shame and Embrace Your Authentic Self
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4 comments
I find that practicing honesty with myself is often my biggest barrier. Sometimes I am in denial about the truth of what is really occurring for me, or I try to convince myself that it’s not really a big deal. It’s helpful to make a point to check in with myself and ask if I’m really saying what I mean, or if I am saying what I think others want me to? This is often a difficult distinction to make but I think if we make it a habit to check in with our own honesty, we will be more successful at being our authentic selves
Dear Matt, Thank you for writing this blog on Embracing Your Authentic Self. I am at a place in my life where there is a lot of self doubt and I act in ways that are not aligned with my values thus feel badly about myself through out the day. You spell out concise ways to combat this and work toward acting in an authentic way.. which starts with knowing who I am first and accepting all that I am, imperfect, vulnerable and human. I feel best about myself when I speak my truth. This is when I am closest to feeling happy and aligned with who I am and when others are most connected to me.
Whether it’s in group therapy, webinars or writing, your work helps me tremendously. I think this is the most important work of anyone’s life.
With Deep Gratitude,
Amy
If you want to live a fulfilling life, you must first find out who you truly are. This is a long process and something that takes searching before discovering. Finding your true self does not happen when you’re stuck in fear, disconnected, and with no action course. This article A Guide to Finding Your True Self will help you uncover your true identity to start unearthing your passions, values, desires, and motivations.
Sure but does it really mean I have sacrifice my personality to be a therapist copy of me? I don’t want to be a therapist copy alienated from myself and being a condescending liberal to others looking and sounding clinical , cold and antiseptic. I don’t think a therapist would accept my authentic if it wasn’t her idea or yours for that matter. Too many want to copy themselves in their clients instead helping them live better in charge of their own lives.