Parenting can be challenging. Children’s behavior can be confusing. An eight-year-old child may angrily insist that you leave them alone. Then, when given the space, the child may only seem to get more sullen. Other children might be prone to protest, engaging in behavior a parent might describe as ”fighting” them all the time. What can help us make sense of how our kids behave, and how can we work with what we learn? Knowing about child attachment styles can be useful in understanding what’s happening when they withdraw or protest.
Most people, children included, are a combination of attachment styles. This blog will focus on children who may have avoidant and preoccupied tendencies. It’s important to note that most people have predominantly secure attachments. So, if you recognize some avoidant or preoccupied behavior in your little ones, you to not need to be alarmed. Chances are, if you are responsive to your child’s needs, you ultimately have a securely attached child.
What am I doing that will affect my child’s attachment style?
When considering attachment, meeting your child’s needs in a responsive and attuned way is most important. When a child falls and scrapes a knee, it is important that we respond. Picking them up right away can show them that we understand and care about how they feel at that moment. To our surprise, they might become more emotional when we do this.
Some parents see this as their responsiveness making their kids, “worse.” However, we are all built to feel together. So, when we are present to our children’s feelings, their emotions may momentarily flow harder than they were flowing before we picked them up. Our presence enables them to ride the wave of their emotion to its calmer end. How we respond when our children are in need affects the degree to which they securely attach. We can think of this as our parenting attachment style. Are we sensitive and attuned? Or are we dismissive or even hostile towards our children’s vulnerability?
Learn more about trauma and attachment
Screens affect attachment
According to Janet A. Courtney and Eva Nowakowski-Sims, screens can create a separation between infants or children and their caregivers. The more family members are on screens, the less they are engaging in more socially bonding activities. When parents are focused on technology, they are less focused on their children. Researchers have also found that, when a television is on in a home, parents are less attentive to their children. They speak less frequently to them and, when they do speak, they use fewer words.
Home size affects attachment
Dr. Kirk Honda, of the attachment-focused podcast Psychology in Seattle, has pointed out the impact home size has on attachment. Honda cites studies that show modern living, characterized by larger homes boasting a television in every room, is hurting families ability to attach to each other in meaningful ways. In other words, if you’re lucky enough to enjoy a good amount of square footage in your home, it might be a good idea to be extra mindful about togetherness.
How do I identify my child’s attachment style?
Avoidant attachment behavior
Children who display signs of avoidant attachment style crave closeness every bit as much as more emotionally demonstrative kids. These kids cope with past attachment disappointments by shutting down to their needs. This may be your “easy” but slightly aloof ten-year-old. They may come home from school and promptly engages with an ipad or video game. Despite this behavior, they are actually dying to feel close to you.
Knowing this could help you figure out a way to be closer with them. You may be overly respectful of their demand for more and more space. On the contrast, you may bust through their boundaries with no regard for them. A healthier alternative is to be more aware of their subtle bids for connection that you may have been missing. You may want to pause and ask yourself, “now that my child is older and looking to connect with me differently than she did when she was two, what does that attempt to connect look like?”
Preoccupied attachment behavior
Whether our children are avoidant or preoccupied, our work is to attune to their bids for connection, which happen long before their outbursts or withdrawals. Preoccupied kids have found that, in order to garner a desired parental response to their needs, they must intensify their behavior, feelings, demands and rebellions. If your child leans toward preoccupation, they are more likely to protest loudly.
Bids for connection
Looking for the subtle ways our children attempt to connect with us sets us on track for addressing behavioral issues at their core. So often, parents focus on the behavior they would like to see less of, rather than the four hours before that behavior. When the child feels disconnected from their secure base, that sets the stage for their protest. Even if you’re constantly thinking about your child’s well-being, you may not be attuning to them. If we are interested in the concept of attachment, our job as parents is to be incredibly sensitive and relentless detectives for the ways in which our children feel seen, known, safe and – importantly – delighted in.
I recently observed a change in my seven-year old’s slightly avoidant behavior. At one point I realized his love language had shifted from cuddling, to long, detailed conversations about Pokemon. Knowing this, I made a concerted effort to really listen to him. He rattled off various statistics and descriptions of imagined creatures plastered on overpriced cards. Lo and behold, he eventually emerged from underneath his blanket and set down his iPad, enthusiastically looking to connect.
How do I work with my child’s attachment style?
Here’s the good news: regardless of whether or not your child is secure-avoidant or secure-preoccupied, a little attunement goes a long way. The best way to address the holes in our attachment to our kids is to pay attention to what they are feeling, accurately recognize their emotions and show them that we see what they’re feeling. Parents often become distracted by the content of what their children throw at them without recognizing the story underneath. Relationships are truly experienced beneath the surface and it is there that parents can most effectively connect with their kids.
Consider this the next time your eight-year-old refuses to sit at the dinner table. Rather than getting sucked into the power-struggle, get curious about the feelings that are driving that protest. How many tiny attempts to be seen, heard, known, or emotionally held and felt might you have innocently missed? Not only could you begin to notice the days that led up to the problem, you could say, “wow, the idea of sitting at the dinner table is making you miserable right now. I can see it in your face. Would you say more about it? I’m listening.” This approach may seem ridiculous to a parent who has been in a years-long conflict with a headstrong child. However, accurately noticing, reflecting, and being emotionally available in the face of your children’s emotional world can have powerful outcomes.
Read more about patterns in relationships
Are you interested in exploring how attachment styles impact your relationships with your children or other people in your life? Working with a therapist is a great way to raise your awareness of attachment behaviors. Reach out to myTherapyNYC today!
Can you think of a time your child may have been trying to connect with you that you missed? Join the conversation in the comments below!
- Your Child’s Attachment Style: How to Recognize It and Work With It - October 21, 2021
- Building Tolerance to Find Comfort in Discomfort - May 20, 2021
