We live in a time in which the visibility of transgender and genderqueer people is quickly on the rise. Turn on the TV or flip through a magazine and you are more likely than ever to encounter stories about people with an array of gender identities (a personal favorite is the FX series Pose). This also means it is a great time—and about time—for more people to learn about gender identity and how to be sensitive to, and an advocate for, people across the gender spectrum.
If you feel like you aren’t yet fluent in the language of gender, you aren’t alone. Until recently, mainstream culture has almost completely avoided discussions of gender identity and so it makes sense that a lot of people wouldn’t have a firm grasp of it. However, it is never too late to learn, especially when learning helps you to be a more considerate ally. Here are a few things to consider in order to be more attuned and sensitive to gender identity.
Understand the difference between biological sex and gender
In order to understand gender identity, you need to have a clear idea of what gender is. First, it is important to differentiate gender from biological sex. A person’s biological sex is based on physical traits. These are the physical traits with which they are born, like having a vagina. They are also the traits that develop over time, especially during puberty, like having breasts.
Gender identity, on the other hand, is how a person feels. The way that a person’s body looks often does not perfectly match up with the way that they feel on the inside. Even for many cisgender people (those whose biological sex reflects their gender identity), there is often some degree of disconnect between how people expect them to act based on their body and how they actually feel inside. This is because gender identity is not one (masculine) or the other (feminine), but is instead on a spectrum. Gender identity can also change over time and in different environments. For example, you may feel more masculine when you are with your male friends than when you are with your child. This is perfectly normal and it may help you understand yourself better to be aware of these shifts.
Gender expression is the way that a person presents their gender to the world. Gender can be expressed through cosmetic choices like clothes, hairstyle, and makeup, or through biological interventions like beginning hormone therapy or having gender affirming surgery. When a person’s expression does not reflect their identity, this can be quite uncomfortable, and this is actually not so hard to imagine. We all have had the experience of looking a way that just didn’t feel right: wearing a robe at graduation or gym clothes at a nice restaurant, going a day without makeup, or getting a haircut that is not what you had in mind. Now, imagine feeling that way all of the time and you may have some understanding of why people feel driven to express their gender identity. We all want to feel good about how we look!
Whether we are talking about biological sex or gender, it is also important to remember that all of these things exist, not as a binary (one or the other), but on a spectrum.
Be aware of pronouns
Pronouns are the little words we use to refer to other people without saying their names. The trouble with pronouns is that they traditionally required us to assume a person’s gender identity each time we say “he” or “she”. Using the wrong pronoun may not seem like a huge deal to some people, but it constitutes a microaggression—a seemingly small, everyday way that we can make people in already marginalized groups feel overlooked or insulted, whether or not we intend to.
Read more: What Is Microaggression? And How to Avoid It?
In order to avoid inadvertently dismissing or harming people of differing gender identities, you can practice using neutral pronouns as your default. Instead of referring to strangers as “he” or “she,” try saying “they” or “that person” (i.e. “they would like to place an order” instead of “she would like to place an order”). When greeting groups of people, avoid saying “you guys,” “ladies,” or “gentlemen” and instead say “Y’all” or “you all” (i.e. “how are y’all doing?” instead of “how are you ladies doing?”). It may take some practice, but with intention, you can make using gender-neutral pronouns your second nature. By the way, if you’re a grammar nerd like me, don’t worry! Using “they” as a singular pronoun is grammatically correct, and it has been for centuries.
Be curious, not prying
A lot of people are curious about gender identity—and that’s not a bad thing. Curiosity is how we learn and a good avenue to having a better grasp of concepts that are new to us. It is also important to be sensitive to the fact that not everyone wants to answer personal questions about themselves and it is not the job of transgender and genderqueer people to teach everyone else about gender identity. A good, curious start can be to ask, “what is your preferred pronoun?” This shows your awareness of gender identity and demonstrates that you are comfortable talking about it. If a person feels like opening up to you, then they will, but remember that there are also endless resources on the internet to help you learn. Whatever you do, don’t ask questions that are prying or rude. You would never ask a stranger to describe their genitals to you under any other circumstances, so why would it be okay to ask those questions now? If you feel the urge to ask prying questions, instead try asking yourself why you feel the need to know about this and reminding yourself that it is none of your business.
The best way to get to know about anyone’s experience is, of course, to listen. If you are having a conversation with someone about their gender identity, try letting them direct the conversation and see if they offer to answer your questions. The better you are at listening, the more likely a person is to feel comfortable sharing with you.
Read more: 6 Steps to Becoming an Engaged Listener
Even though discussions about gender identity may seem new, the concepts behind them are not. Each of us considers our own gender identity and gender expression throughout each day, whether we are aware that we are doing it or not. These three tips can help you to be sensitive about gender identity, but this is just a start. Carefully considering and evaluating your own gender identity and how it would feel for you to express it, or not express it, can help you to get to know yourself better. It can also be a pathway to developing a better understanding of, and deeper empathy for, people across the gender spectrum.
What other ways can we be considerate of gender identity? Write your ideas in the comments below!
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8 comments
The current sociopolitical climate is creating a great deal of psychological distress for the minority groups, including transgender people. So it’s crucial for all of us to learn and know how to be more attuned to gender identity.
This is such an important topic to discuss and learn about. Your blog mentions a number of great points and tips. Good job!
Very helpful and precise !
That you so much for sharing this information. Very helpful.
Such a great post, Weston! Your reminder that “it’s never too late to learn” is so important. Thank you for your thoughtful approach to this topic.
Thank you Weston for this thoughtful blog! I feel gender expression is so faceted and complex and hard to keep up with. Describing this continuum in these personal ways clarifies so much.
Such an important post, Weston! Thank you for reminding us how important it is to be mindful of respecting each others’ gender identities and expressions, as well as providing some great concrete tips on being an ally to folks whose gender identities don’t fit the binary. Your suggestion regarding mindfulness around pronoun use is one great tip that is so useful. Great blog!
Great post! I really appreciate the way you explained the spectrum of gender identity. I think your explanation will give many people something to think about and may even free up some of their own discomfort with how they present. Nice topic!!!