Understanding Attachment Styles in Dating [Video]

Understanding Attachment Styles in Dating [Transcript]

Today, I want to talk about how we can learn about ourselves and our attachment styles in dating. We will also discuss how to utilize that knowledge to be more successful in finding potential partners and forming new relationships. 

Attachment styles in dating

Because attachment style have so much of an impact on how we attach to others, it’s important to gain an awareness of your own attachment style and how a potential partner’s attachment style enters into your interactions. When we talk about attachment styles, we think of the key three. These are secure, avoidant, and anxious. Just hearing these, you might have an idea of which category you fall into. 

Read more about attachment styles.

A person with a secure attachment style is able to interact with partners in a way that, well, just seems secure. They don’t worry about their partners too much but are able to be emotionally available, expressive, and caring. People with secure attachment also hold healthy boundaries. 

We can think of the other two attachment styles as falling on opposite ends of a continuum with secure falling in the middle. Even if you’re secure, you might still have an anxious or an avoidant tendency once in a while. Additionally, our attachment style can vary from relationship to relationship over time. It is something to check in on every so often or when you start seeing somebody new. Does this person bring out anxious tendencies in me? Am I being avoidant for any particular reason? Those are good questions to ask yourself when you’re entering a new relationship. 

Anxious attachment

If you’re a more anxious person in a new relationship, you may fall into a few of these common traps. You may find yourself preoccupied while analyzing the meanings of texts or the time it takes your partner to respond. Also, you may find yourself spending a lot of time looking at their social media activity, checking to see who is interacting with them and whose posts they are liking.  You may also create narratives about your partner’s perceptions of you. 

It can be easy to get stuck in the anxiety zone in the beginning of a relationship.  There’s still so much information that you don’t know about a person at first. As humans, we’re biologically wired to look out for signs of danger, especially when growing new relationships.  This is because relationships require so much vulnerability in order to create a sense of bonding and connection. When we’re stuck in a place of anxiety, it’s difficult for us to see those signs of safety within the relationship.  This can block our ability to feel connected and safe with our partners.  

Steps to feel more secure

If you find yourself stuck in a place of anxiety in a new relationship, there are a few steps you can take to feel more secure. Because the anxious attachment style comes from fear that the relationship won’t last, it’s important to try to recognize safety cues in the relationship. Although you may be feeling anxious about something, what are the cues in the relationship that are signaling safety? Did your partner make an effort to make plans? Did they bring you flowers? When they saw something that reminded them of you, did they text you about it? Did they feel excited to introduce you to their friends? 

It’s so important to notice these signs of safety when so much of our anxiety focuses on feelings of danger in a relationship. It also might be good to enlist the assistance of a more secure friend. Often, having somebody outside of your relationship to provide reassurance can have a huge calming effect. You might also want to limit how much time you spend checking social media. If you find yourself feeling anxious about texting, you may want to switch to a different mode of communication. FaceTime or cell phone calls might be better options. Often, having a little extra context within a conversation can stop anxiety from trying to fill in the blanks. 

Conversely, if you find yourself dating somebody who seems to be more anxious, it may be important to be receptive to those cues of anxiety. Being an open communicator and explicit with your intentions and your perceptions of your partner is key in those situations. 

Avoidant attachment

Avoidantly attached people often find themselves feeling overwhelmed by closeness in relationships.  This can be especially likely if they’re finding themselves in a new relationship that feels like it’s moving too fast. Often, avoidant individuals feel flooded and uncomfortable with all the attention they’re receiving.  They may feel like their partner isn’t respecting their privacy or need for personal time. For avoidantly attached folks, becoming too emotionally intimate too quickly can feel overwhelming, scary, or off-putting. This can cause them to shut down and push away. We can all imagine what it might feel like if a stranger started asking us about our deepest darkest secrets. Without a sense of trust and connection, we tend to turn away and hide from sharing that personal information. 

For avoidantly attached people, it may take longer to feel comfortable opening up and forming bonds. If things are moving too quickly, they’ll probably pull away. When feeling flooded with attention, an avoidant person may look at a potential partner and think, “maybe I’m more comfortable alone.” Avoidant people might find themselves more prone to ghosting potential partners or leaving their partners questioning whether they like them.  This can start a relationship off on rocky footing, leaving partners feeling anxious or questioning the level of commitment to the relationship. 

Steps to take if you are avoidant

For avoidantly attached people, it’s important to have open and honest communication about boundaries and expectations for personal time and reassure your new partner of your feelings towards them. This might look like saying to a new partner, “Hey, I’m really enjoying getting to know you and spending more time together, but I would also feel more comfortable taking things slowly. Maybe we can plan to hang out once a week for now.” By doing this, you’re able to express your needs but also reassure your partner that you’re committed to continuing to see them. It also gives your partner a reasonable expectation of how much time they’ll be able to spend with you, which offers some security that you’re in it for the long haul. 

Ways to be more successful in relationships

If you’re an anxious or avoidant person, there’s some real and effective ways to be more successful in dating and in relationships. It often comes down to finding your sense of safety and security in the relationship. For those who are more anxious, this looks like tuning into safety cues and avoiding triggers for your anxiety. For more avoidant individuals, it’s important to move at a comfortable pace in the relationship and reassure your partner along the way using clear and reassuring communication. 

Read more about attachment styles in different relationships.