Why is dating so hard? We all know that dating can feel like a mess. It can be scary, lonely, confusing, or downright bizarre! If you feel this way, you’re not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with you. In this blog, I will outline some structural issues that make dating so difficult, as well as explore some ideas to consider as you navigate the search for a partner.
Why Dating Feels Hard
If dating is hard, it’s not your fault! Most people struggle with dating for one reason or another. Many barriers to dating are structural; they reflect larger cultural issues and may have very little to do with you or the person you’re on a date with. If you’re using dating apps, you’re using a tool that tech companies intentionally design to be addictive, even though it can also be very helpful. Apps are not immune to the logic of capitalism, which is predicated more, more, more. It’s so easy to binge on dating apps, causing fatigue and overwhelm.
The Paradox of Choice in Modern Dating
If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by choices in the cereal aisle, the dairy section, or by Netflix, this is a phenomenon known as the paradox of choice. The psychologists who coined this term found that although most people initially prefer having many options, they are more likely to make a satisfying choice when they have fewer options to choose from.
The participants in this study were more likely to bring home a jar of jam from the store when given six types of jam to choose from, as opposed to twenty-four. Those presented with twenty-four jams went home with their bellies full of samples, but ultimately empty-handed. This applies to dating apps too, and the tech companies know it! As long as we are presented with seemingly endless options for swiping, we will stay on the app and away from a real relationship. This is human psychology, and it isn’t your fault!
How Work and Modern Life Affect Dating
If you are a millennial in the United States, you are part of one of the busiest workforces in the world. A recent survey shows that half of millennials work more than one job to make extra money, while pre-COVID data from Harvard shows that millennials are more likely to work over forty hours a week than the generation preceding them, and less likely to use their vacation days. This limits the free time of an entire generation to date and might make the use of that limited free time feel more high-stakes. If you’re overworked and likely exhausted and with limited vacation, no wonder it feels easier to sit at home and swipe than go on a date and form a relationship!
Let’s Talk Attachment
While there are many barriers to dating that are out of our control, let’s discuss a few tools to keep in mind when we do start dating. There’s growing research suggesting that attachment styles, which are developed early in life, have a great impact on adult romantic relationships. In short, people develop one of three attachment styles based on early relationships with their caregivers and influenced by life experiences: secure, anxious, and avoidant.
Securely attached people are able to interact with their partners, or potential partners, in such a way that they can experience emotional closeness, while maintaining their own sense of individuality. They love their partners, but do not worry too much about the security or longevity of their relationships. Anxiously attached people often fear rejection and seek constant validation, out of fear that their relationship is insecure and that they will be abandoned. Avoidantly attached people often fear closeness and push others away, becoming emotionally unavailable in order to protect themselves from pain. While many of us are securely attached, some of us will move toward anxiety or avoidance in the dating world because it’s a particularly stressful environment.
How Attachment Styles Show Up in Dating
Knowing your attachment style can greatly help in your dating life. It makes sense of the mysterious feelings we experience when on apps or entering new relationships. For example, an anxiously attached person may check their app multiple times to see if that cutie has liked them. Lack of response may induce immediate panic or bring up questions like “Am I even lovable?” If that sounds like you, consider what is actually happening as your nervous system responds to this “threat.” Does not getting a response indicate that you are essentially unworthy of love? Or could it be that the person is busy at work? Or that they just aren’t the right person for you since their communication style doesn’t meet your needs?
Conversely, an avoidantly attached person may start out a conversation warm and engaging, but after a few dates, begin to find excuses to cancel or to give brief, stunted replies to texts. The perceived demand for intimacy from the person on the other end of the phone can also induce attachment panic. This can cause them to ask “Why get into a relationship when I will just be a disappointment?” Or “Will I never be able to meet this person’s needs?” In order to avoid the pain of relationships, they withdraw.
When Your Attachment System Gets Activated
When activated, our attachment responses can make a conversation on an app feel like a matter of life or death. In reality it just gives us data about the person we’re chatting with, as well as our fears and desires. There are plenty of resources that will help you understand how your attachment style impacts your dating life. Check out self-soothing tips for people with anxious attachment and this guide to dating someone with an avoidant attachment style. Regardless of your attachment style, it is important to keep in mind that our responses to relationships come from evolutionary systems that have worked for centuries to keep humans connected to one another for survival.
Wants Versus Needs
Many of us have specific fantasies about who our ideal partner is: height, income, body type, religion, political affiliation, etc. Some of these may reflect deeply held values that feel truly non-negotiable. I invite you to consider which of your “non-negotiables” are wants and which are needs. Dating expert and psychologist Logan Ury writes about the built-in filters on apps, which can rob us of the opportunities to meet someone who falls outside of our preconceived notion of who we think is ideal.
“If you have your filters set to only see guys over 6 feet, you’re unnecessarily limiting yourself. Only 14% of US-based men are over 6 feet tall,” writes Ury. These filters, while they limit overwhelming choices, do not use information that accurately predicts a successful, fulfilling relationship. A person’s height is not correlated with their ability to make big life decisions together or to form a secure bond.
What Really Makes a Relationship Last
In Emotionally Focused Therapy, therapists find that most people want someone who is “A.R.E”, or Available, Reliable, and Engaged. These qualities in a relationship form the basis for a secure and consistent bond that can last. They can recover from conflict, and can negotiate across differences that arise from personal preferences, culture, and religion. There is no way to filter on an app for someone who is available, reliable, and engaged. These qualities, which most predict the success of a relationship, are not related to body type, income, religion, or sexuality.
Take a moment to consider what is truly non-negotiable for you in a relationship. Many of the qualities that lead to relationship longevity have to be felt out. These are kindness, decision-making ability, conflict resolution skills, etc. It’s also okay to let your value system guide your search for a partner. You may have a political affiliation, religious belief system, or geographic location that is absolutely non-negotiable, and that’s okay! Just know that even differences in politics and religion can be bridged through emotional engagement, availability, and reliability. While it’s perfectly fine to keep important qualities on your list, there are probably some you can get rid of.
The overwhelm of dating can leave many of us feeling exhausted and alone. Remember, you are doing this because you have a universally human need for connection with others. Showing compassion toward yourself, understanding your attachment needs, and rethinking wants versus needs can make the journey just a little easier.
Do you want to explore dating in therapy? Reach out to myTherapyNYC to find out which of our therapists would be a good fit for you!
What ways have you found success in dating? Join the conversation in the comments below!
Specializes in LGBTQ+, Relationship issues, Polyamory/Non-traditional relationship structures, Trauma, Men’s Issues, Religious/Spiritual Issues, Veterans.
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