4 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

signs of an unhealthy relationship

How do you know if your relationship has become unhealthy? I often see couples stay in unhealthy relationships out of the fear of being alone. Others normalize their rocky romances; they convince themselves that their relationship, while tumultuous at times, is just like everyone else’s. No romance is perfect. All partners go through ups and downs together, but here are a few signs of an unhealthy relationship:

1. There is No Trust

Trust is difficult to earn and quite easy to lose. If your partner is checking your phone when you leave the room, or you find yourself becoming anxious if they come home late, there could be cause for concern. Trust can certainly be rebuilt, but it takes effort and honest communication from both partners.

2. Your Needs Are Not Being Heard

Communication is such an important part of any relationship. You should be able to express what you need. If your partner ignores your requests and makes no effort to satisfy your needs, that should be an indication of trouble.

3. Emotions Are Not Validated

Being able to express emotions to a partner is an essential part of any relationship. When we feel open about our feelings, a sense of intimacy can grow. Belittling a partner’s emotions is a surefire way to break the fragile bond of intimacy and cause mistrust. This process can also be known as “gas lighting”—in which a partner convinces their significant other that the emotions they are having are wrong or even crazy. Read 3 Skills for Validating Your Partner’s Feelings. 

4. Your Partner Wants to Change You

Wanting someone to become a better cook or like your favorite TV show is one thing, but demanding that your partner be a different person is another. When you enter a relationship imagining that you can transform your partner into an entirely different person, this inevitably causes tension, animosity, and fighting. At the core, your partner should love you and accept you for who you are.

If any of the items above resonate with you, your relationship could be stuck in a negative cycle. Unhealthy relationships can be repaired through open communication and support. If both partners are invested in developing a more secure bond—particularly by committing to the process of couple’s therapy—there is always hope.

What are some other signs of an unhealthy relationship that you see?

Ryan Jacobs, LCSW - NYC Therapist

9 comments

  1. Fantastic post, Ryan! You nailed it. Trust, acceptance, validation, and listening are crucial components of any healthy relationship.

  2. Great post! I especially like the last one. I find the topic of trying to change your partner coming up A LOT in various conversations I’ve had with couples.

  3. Excellent points! I love the focus that these things can be addressed and repaired as long as both parties are willing to work on it.

  4. Great post! I also find Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” – a summary of negative styles of communication in an unhealthy relationship (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling) – a useful frame of reference in this area.

  5. Great tips! I agree that honest communication is the key to restoring an unhealthy relationship. Nice job Ryan!

  6. Loved your content Ryan, very helpful and informative!
    Imagine having to live with someone who has no comprehension of how to show kindness and respect to someone they love and want to have a relationship with. It doesn’t work and leaves incredibly deep wounds that last forever.
    In order to have a happy and fruitful long relationship check this out Top 3 Reasons Relationships Fail
    Hope this will help. Thank you.

    Regards,
    Steve

  7. My name is Mary. I have a question is the unhealthy relationship called a toxic relationship? If that then how to leave a toxic relationship and I love my BF so much but I don’t know she loves me or not.

  8. I really like the message of your article because it is really important to realize in what state your relationship is now and take appropriate actions. Of course, a love relationship is a wonderful thing and any person in need of this because it fills us with magnificent emotions and makes us better. But despite this, any relationship is a really significant and serious process which requires a huge amount of work and not everything is always so careless and easy. Really often a relationship turns into turmoil and you don’t understand if you want to continue to be with your loved one, or you need to break up with him. I think that all mentioned signs are really meaningful and they all indicate that it is proper to end your relationship, but, for me, the crucial one is the lack of trust because relationships should be built on full trust, in another case it doesn’t make sense.

    // Marina Teramond @ NMPL

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