In any relationship, communication is essential, especially to get your needs met and let your partner know how you feel. When it’s working well, both partners can feel loving, connected, and secure. But when you encounter defensiveness or misunderstanding, it’s easy to feel unsupported or to worry that the relationship isn’t working. To reconnect with your partner, there are three listening skills for validating your partner’s feelings and to help feel heard and understood.
Imago Therapy is a type of couples counseling that offers many tools. Chief among them is the “couples dialogue” that allows each partner to use active listening skills to deepen connection and help each person feel understood. Listening is key to being there for your partner, and it can be more challenging when you feel a strong desire to react or to defend yourself. To keep the focus on your partner, think about these three skills: mirroring, validating and empathizing.
1. Mirroring is reflecting what your partner is saying using their own words. This can be tough because you might initially feel like a parrot repeating words. When you repeat your partner’s words back to them, start off your response with “So I hear you saying…” or “It sounds like you’re saying…” Notice how you might initially be having two conversations going on: the verbal one where you’re practicing the mirroring, and the internal one where you’re responding with an explanation or defense. If you practice mirroring long enough, the desire to debate lessens over time, especially as you start to notice your partner feeling listened to and understood.
2. Validating means you’re telling your partner that what she or he is saying is understandable from their point of view. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, it just means if you’re doing it genuinely that you can see their point. This can sound like “That makes sense because…” or “I can see how you might think or feel…” If you’re having trouble understanding your partner’s perspective, it’s also helpful to ask for more information, like “Can you tell me more about…” in a way that’s inviting, instead of “I don’t understand what you mean”.
3. Empathizing can mean different things, but with a partner it means really trying to get to what emotions or feelings they’re experiencing. It’s going deeper than the cognitive or thinking part of an opinion. Using a phrase like, “It sounds like you were feeling really upset when….” Or “I can imagine you felt hurt…” You don’t have to feel the feeling in the moment yourself, and it can make a huge different to your partner that you’re making the effort to really get them and to convey that how they feel matters to you.
It can take some practice to feel like you’re making these listening skills your own. During difficult discussions, they can help maintain a needed, safe connection and give your partner the experience they you understand their experience and want to know how they feel. The added bonus? When your partner practices the same listening skills to return the favor to you!
When you’re having a challenging conversation with a partner, what’s your goal and what helps to get “unstuck” and reconnected? Share your thoughts in the comments section below!
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5 comments
It is so easy to immediately get defensive during challenging & emotional conversations that sometimes I need to remember to take a deep breath and count to 5 before I respond. These 5 seconds allow me to digest what the other person is saying without immediately snapping back or defending myself. I am more likely to respond to what they are actually saying, rather than jump to a conclusion about what I think they said if I give myself space to breathe first. Does anyone else find that slowing down the conversation with necessary pauses helps them reconnect?
Absolutely! it seems unlikely that such a small moment can make a difference but it really does. Taking a breath is a great way to pause in order to respond instead of react.
I think remembering to apply these things, especially validating actively, may keep me from stopping my listening. I find myself doing that sometimes to start thinking of my response before my partner’s even done talking.
I think these are really useful skills in any relationship (partner, friendship, etc). I find these steps helpful to remain connected through a conflict and continue to remain present with the other person. They can help to strengthen a relationship.
This was so helpful. I sometimes forget to mirror what my partner says. I get stuck trying to defend my point. I work to remember to take a breath and slow down. I find that speaking softly and slowly really helps me to connect with others and be heard. When we slow down the body is able to digest and understand better what is being communicated.